deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dreams from the Pen
The Jailor’s incessant
yammering
diminishes before dissolving
wholly into the
static
air.
I regress to the
labyrinthine
confines of my
role– starkly
solitary
solipsistic
observer.
Looking through the backs of my
eyes
I see through the blinds a
Young debutante making merry among a
delegation of peers–
redressing on a neighbor’s dock.
One of the men
backflips into the emerald waters as
another stands–
tilting his head back to the vast,
verdant
expanse between the
pines,
a plume of milky smoke
curls upward from his
lips with
wanton abandon.
yammering
diminishes before dissolving
wholly into the
static
air.
I regress to the
labyrinthine
confines of my
role– starkly
solitary
solipsistic
observer.
Looking through the backs of my
eyes
I see through the blinds a
Young debutante making merry among a
delegation of peers–
redressing on a neighbor’s dock.
One of the men
backflips into the emerald waters as
another stands–
tilting his head back to the vast,
verdant
expanse between the
pines,
a plume of milky smoke
curls upward from his
lips with
wanton abandon.
Published 27th May 2024
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The author encourages honest critique.
27th May 2024 2:39am
Opening with these elements: Jailor, labyrinth
It’s someone who traps you, and a place you can’t find a way out.
The Jailor’s incessant
yammering
great alliteration
diminishes before dissolving
starkly
solitary
solipsistic
AND THIS. The narrator is describing itself as an uncaring watcher. A memory, then. Or a voyeur. You don’t really leave enough clues until the end to decide which, and I find that BRILLIANT.
solipsistic
observer.
This could read as looking back through time and reflection on what was. Or, if could read as derogatory seeing the scene play out and having an ‘eye roll’ Either way, the conceit carries, because the narrator has done this before. This isn’t new and it’s not a pleasure.
“Looking through the backs of my
eyes”
So this is still the unknown voyeur of either narrator past, or observer
“I see through the blinds a”
The scene of a group of kids skinny dipping? On property that isn’t yours, and the purity and fallacy of the moment contrasts with the opening lines.
You debutante
Young debutante making merry among a
delegation of peers–
redressing on a neighbor’s dock.
One of the men
backflips into the emerald waters as
This makes me think the narrator is vested, that this is a memory.
another stands–
tilting his head back to the vast,
verdant
expanse between the
pines,
a plume of milky smoke
curls upward from his
lips with
wanton abandon.
See in the final line, the “other” stands and watches smoke. The smoke trope is generally something that dissipates, that coincides with destruction, or is something that can’t be held. So for that young man, that peer, to look away and watch what can’t be held is really cool shit.
And that it’s so viciously recalled from a prison cell. Feels like a commentary about relationships.
I like you. You think. Keep that shit up.
It’s someone who traps you, and a place you can’t find a way out.
The Jailor’s incessant
yammering
great alliteration
diminishes before dissolving
starkly
solitary
solipsistic
AND THIS. The narrator is describing itself as an uncaring watcher. A memory, then. Or a voyeur. You don’t really leave enough clues until the end to decide which, and I find that BRILLIANT.
solipsistic
observer.
This could read as looking back through time and reflection on what was. Or, if could read as derogatory seeing the scene play out and having an ‘eye roll’ Either way, the conceit carries, because the narrator has done this before. This isn’t new and it’s not a pleasure.
“Looking through the backs of my
eyes”
So this is still the unknown voyeur of either narrator past, or observer
“I see through the blinds a”
The scene of a group of kids skinny dipping? On property that isn’t yours, and the purity and fallacy of the moment contrasts with the opening lines.
You debutante
Young debutante making merry among a
delegation of peers–
redressing on a neighbor’s dock.
One of the men
backflips into the emerald waters as
This makes me think the narrator is vested, that this is a memory.
another stands–
tilting his head back to the vast,
verdant
expanse between the
pines,
a plume of milky smoke
curls upward from his
lips with
wanton abandon.
See in the final line, the “other” stands and watches smoke. The smoke trope is generally something that dissipates, that coincides with destruction, or is something that can’t be held. So for that young man, that peer, to look away and watch what can’t be held is really cool shit.
And that it’s so viciously recalled from a prison cell. Feels like a commentary about relationships.
I like you. You think. Keep that shit up.
27th May 2024 1:24pm
Well I certainly can't add anything to Betty's critique outside of a personal observation.
I really dig your style - it's fresh and unique. Your ability to convey imagery as though it resides in the readers experience is impeccable.
I agree this is a memory of happier times outside of the confines of a cell that is either literal or, as in your previous piece, manmade within himself.
I really dig your style - it's fresh and unique. Your ability to convey imagery as though it resides in the readers experience is impeccable.
I agree this is a memory of happier times outside of the confines of a cell that is either literal or, as in your previous piece, manmade within himself.
