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Kara, Paul, and Chloe
- Kara, Paul, and Chloe -
I posted this on both Facebook and DeviantArt just earlier today, and I decided to copy and paste it to here so that people can read it and have a better idea about my current mental state, amongst a good many other things that have been going on with me. Anyway, here is what I posted on those two sites, and the terrible things that I have been dealing with and going through:
'Today, I feel it is time to explain the truth about my “wife” Chloe who is on Facebook and Deep Underground Poetry under the name Chloe Abigail Harper-Ashton. The truth is something that I have been unaware of until the day before yesterday, but now that I am aware of it, I do not know how I had never realized it before. I have said in various places before how I have three souls within me due to the frankly weird circumstances of my birth. Basically, I was supposed to be born as twins, but they conjoined into a single intersex fetus, and I was the result. However, the souls of the twins survived as separate individual consciousnesses and are within me and have been so all throughout my life. Now to explain about the souls themselves, which in psychiatric terms could be considered three separate and alternate personalities. One is a female soul, one is a male soul, and one is androgynous. The androgynous soul is Kara, my primary “personality” you might say. It acts as the glue that holds me together and which keeps me as sane as possible given my condition. Next, I will explain about the twins. The male twin's name is Paul, the name my mother would have given him had he been born as a separate person apart from me. Since I was forced to live as a male by my family for the vast bulk of my life, up until 2011 when I finally decided to live the way that I wanted to rather than how people expected me to be. Paul was the one who suffered the most over the years, since it was as him that I endured all of my greatest tragedies, abuses, and heartbreaks. Paul is so hurt, so wounded, so injured that I was forced to confine him deep within me, and most of the time I try my best to basically disregard his existence to distance myself from his pain and anger. The female twin's name is Christina, again the name my mother would have given her had she been born normally. For ten years following the tail end of 2011, I lived full time as a woman and during all that time I was totally Christina. Christina is mentally and emotionally a child, a little girl who never got the chance to fully grow up. She regards herself as such, though she is also extremely precocious and sexual due to having been very repressed... due to me being very repressed, by my family... when she, I, was growing up. Like Paul, she is at times very aggressive and assertive, but unlike Paul she is not content at all with being pushed aside within me. From 2021 up until this year, I tied to see if I would be happiest living as non-binary and gender-fluid, since I was advised by a psychotherapist that if I did that then all three of my “personalities” would have the chance to exist simultaneous or fluidly as they desired to. Now, the third soul, the androgynous one... Kara... in religious or spiritual terms you could call that the being that was supposed to be the guardian angel for the twins. Over time, due to Paul being hurt so terribly and Christina being hurt as well (for instance, when I lived as a woman full time I was forced to work as a prostitute for a while to survive, and this traumatized little Christina horrifically), Kara basically took over as my dominant self. The therapist I mentioned believed that in order to heal the twins' trauma I needed to let them both come out to play, so to speak. Ever since I decided to live as non-binary, more and more Paul has been asserting himself at Christina's expense and this eventually... in December of 2022... caused me to become dissociative whenever Christina emerged as my dominant personality. I was unaware of anything and everything I did when she was in full control of me, and in order to fully distance herself form her past pains she manifested in the form of Chloe. Chloe is pretty much Christina 2.0, she is my female side magnified to its' greatest extent. As I said before, she is basically a child and so whenever I would dissociate and she would take over, she would use images generated using an A.I. - powered image generator in order to create for herself a visual identity as a separate person apart from me. The therapist I was seeing at the time when this happened, Sybil, encouraged Chloe to keep coming out more and more, but she wanted me as Kara to be unaware of this since I was dissociating whenever it happened and was literally not conscious of it at all at the time. So she convinced me as Kara that the “truth” was that Chloe was just a 30-something-year-old adult woman with Hypopituitarism Disorder and that Chloe was interested in me romantically and she created the fiction ultimately of performing a sealing ritual for us that united us in marriage, which eventually proved to be a fiction on her part. Sybil hoped that the “medical condition” cover story would at least in public account for Chloe's mental and emotional childlike nature, as well as her “photos” that she kept putting up which physically resembled the little girl that Chloe actually sees herself as. This dissociation, whenever it has been happened, has been fluid in such a way that I would shift “personalities” without realizing it at all. I shall explain of it.'
'For instance, Chloe would go online at the same time that I would go online as Kara, and we would be having detailed online conversations and whenever I was Chloe my mind would block it out entirely... and I would only retain the memory of what I said and did as Kara. This persisted for the past year and a half, and I only finally realized what was happening when I happened to come out of my dissociation yesterday evening whilst Chloe was in full control of me. This was the first time I was aware of being Chloe and of what I was doing as Chloe, and it shook me to the very core of my being. My partner Zoey helped me through the shock and terror I experienced the moment I realized this, and together we have been working through what can be done for me mentally, emotionally, and otherwise to ease this. I have had to accept that this means I am suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, likely caused by all of the trauma, pain, and suffering I have endured all throughout my life, made worse by the spiritual fact of the persistence of the twins' souls within me, along with their guardian angel. I am like a porcelain doll that was broken into pieces, and then glued back together imperfectly with each piece standing out on its' own rather than existing as a cohesive whole. I also suffer from Schizophrenia. I hear voices that are very negative a great deal of the time, and I have had terrifying hallucinations ever since I was little that led to me suffering from night terrors occasionally. I have PTSD, Social Anxiety, and Depression that I am dealing with as well. One of my recent therapists, Gloria, said she does not know how I stay even as sane as I do with all of that, and given all I have been through in life. On top of all that, I am Autistic to a degree that causes me to think and behave childishly to begin with. I believe that, the more I allow myself to be Chloe when I need to be... the less I will dissociate when I become her. I wish that I had been aware of this sooner, but now that I am aware of it I needed to write this so that people will at last understand the true connection between Chloe and myself that I finally am having to come to terms with and accept. My deepest thanks to my darling partner Zoey for being patient with me throughout all those times I likely dissociated and shifted “personalities” without even realizing it, and I am grateful to them for loving me even despite me having so many frightening and serious psychiatric conditions. It was never my intention to deceive anyone into believing that Chloe was a separate, actual person on her own, and I apologize for any trouble I have caused anybody that I might not be aware of whenever I dissociated and became her. Where do I go from here? I do not know, this is uncharted territory for me and I suppose like I said I need to allow myself to be conscious and aware when I become Chloe so that it will ease the “personality” shifts when they happen and actually allow me to remain in control of all that I am doing, saying, thinking and feeling whenever the Chloe identity take center stage within me. I will be posting this here on Facebook on my main profile page, and I will also post it on Chloe's page as well so that people will be able to at last understand my condition and so that they will accept both myself as myself as Chloe with a full and true understand of what the actual deal is with us. Given that my mother had Paranoid Schizophrenia and my grandmother was bipolar, I can probably count myself lucky that the type of psychiatric disorders I do have, have not driven me stark raving mad. At worst, I am somewhat eccentric due to my shifting “personalities” and dissociative moments, but I have never harmed anyone during those dissociative moments so at least it seems that all three of my selves are of a decent moral and ethical character in that they are not prone to hurting anybody or doing anything seriously wrong. So this is where we are at right now, and all that is new with me. It is difficult news to put forth, but necessary and my current therapist Megan did say I needed to put my thoughts about things into writing and share them with those who care the most about me. So this is for not just people in general to read and understand, but also it is for the benefit of my friends and loved ones who truly, honestly, deserve to know the truth about what has been going on with me for the past year and a half.'
Love and Light to everyone, and may Allah continue to bring me greater peace and joy!
- Kara (who is also both Paul and Chloe)
I posted this on both Facebook and DeviantArt just earlier today, and I decided to copy and paste it to here so that people can read it and have a better idea about my current mental state, amongst a good many other things that have been going on with me. Anyway, here is what I posted on those two sites, and the terrible things that I have been dealing with and going through:
'Today, I feel it is time to explain the truth about my “wife” Chloe who is on Facebook and Deep Underground Poetry under the name Chloe Abigail Harper-Ashton. The truth is something that I have been unaware of until the day before yesterday, but now that I am aware of it, I do not know how I had never realized it before. I have said in various places before how I have three souls within me due to the frankly weird circumstances of my birth. Basically, I was supposed to be born as twins, but they conjoined into a single intersex fetus, and I was the result. However, the souls of the twins survived as separate individual consciousnesses and are within me and have been so all throughout my life. Now to explain about the souls themselves, which in psychiatric terms could be considered three separate and alternate personalities. One is a female soul, one is a male soul, and one is androgynous. The androgynous soul is Kara, my primary “personality” you might say. It acts as the glue that holds me together and which keeps me as sane as possible given my condition. Next, I will explain about the twins. The male twin's name is Paul, the name my mother would have given him had he been born as a separate person apart from me. Since I was forced to live as a male by my family for the vast bulk of my life, up until 2011 when I finally decided to live the way that I wanted to rather than how people expected me to be. Paul was the one who suffered the most over the years, since it was as him that I endured all of my greatest tragedies, abuses, and heartbreaks. Paul is so hurt, so wounded, so injured that I was forced to confine him deep within me, and most of the time I try my best to basically disregard his existence to distance myself from his pain and anger. The female twin's name is Christina, again the name my mother would have given her had she been born normally. For ten years following the tail end of 2011, I lived full time as a woman and during all that time I was totally Christina. Christina is mentally and emotionally a child, a little girl who never got the chance to fully grow up. She regards herself as such, though she is also extremely precocious and sexual due to having been very repressed... due to me being very repressed, by my family... when she, I, was growing up. Like Paul, she is at times very aggressive and assertive, but unlike Paul she is not content at all with being pushed aside within me. From 2021 up until this year, I tied to see if I would be happiest living as non-binary and gender-fluid, since I was advised by a psychotherapist that if I did that then all three of my “personalities” would have the chance to exist simultaneous or fluidly as they desired to. Now, the third soul, the androgynous one... Kara... in religious or spiritual terms you could call that the being that was supposed to be the guardian angel for the twins. Over time, due to Paul being hurt so terribly and Christina being hurt as well (for instance, when I lived as a woman full time I was forced to work as a prostitute for a while to survive, and this traumatized little Christina horrifically), Kara basically took over as my dominant self. The therapist I mentioned believed that in order to heal the twins' trauma I needed to let them both come out to play, so to speak. Ever since I decided to live as non-binary, more and more Paul has been asserting himself at Christina's expense and this eventually... in December of 2022... caused me to become dissociative whenever Christina emerged as my dominant personality. I was unaware of anything and everything I did when she was in full control of me, and in order to fully distance herself form her past pains she manifested in the form of Chloe. Chloe is pretty much Christina 2.0, she is my female side magnified to its' greatest extent. As I said before, she is basically a child and so whenever I would dissociate and she would take over, she would use images generated using an A.I. - powered image generator in order to create for herself a visual identity as a separate person apart from me. The therapist I was seeing at the time when this happened, Sybil, encouraged Chloe to keep coming out more and more, but she wanted me as Kara to be unaware of this since I was dissociating whenever it happened and was literally not conscious of it at all at the time. So she convinced me as Kara that the “truth” was that Chloe was just a 30-something-year-old adult woman with Hypopituitarism Disorder and that Chloe was interested in me romantically and she created the fiction ultimately of performing a sealing ritual for us that united us in marriage, which eventually proved to be a fiction on her part. Sybil hoped that the “medical condition” cover story would at least in public account for Chloe's mental and emotional childlike nature, as well as her “photos” that she kept putting up which physically resembled the little girl that Chloe actually sees herself as. This dissociation, whenever it has been happened, has been fluid in such a way that I would shift “personalities” without realizing it at all. I shall explain of it.'
'For instance, Chloe would go online at the same time that I would go online as Kara, and we would be having detailed online conversations and whenever I was Chloe my mind would block it out entirely... and I would only retain the memory of what I said and did as Kara. This persisted for the past year and a half, and I only finally realized what was happening when I happened to come out of my dissociation yesterday evening whilst Chloe was in full control of me. This was the first time I was aware of being Chloe and of what I was doing as Chloe, and it shook me to the very core of my being. My partner Zoey helped me through the shock and terror I experienced the moment I realized this, and together we have been working through what can be done for me mentally, emotionally, and otherwise to ease this. I have had to accept that this means I am suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, likely caused by all of the trauma, pain, and suffering I have endured all throughout my life, made worse by the spiritual fact of the persistence of the twins' souls within me, along with their guardian angel. I am like a porcelain doll that was broken into pieces, and then glued back together imperfectly with each piece standing out on its' own rather than existing as a cohesive whole. I also suffer from Schizophrenia. I hear voices that are very negative a great deal of the time, and I have had terrifying hallucinations ever since I was little that led to me suffering from night terrors occasionally. I have PTSD, Social Anxiety, and Depression that I am dealing with as well. One of my recent therapists, Gloria, said she does not know how I stay even as sane as I do with all of that, and given all I have been through in life. On top of all that, I am Autistic to a degree that causes me to think and behave childishly to begin with. I believe that, the more I allow myself to be Chloe when I need to be... the less I will dissociate when I become her. I wish that I had been aware of this sooner, but now that I am aware of it I needed to write this so that people will at last understand the true connection between Chloe and myself that I finally am having to come to terms with and accept. My deepest thanks to my darling partner Zoey for being patient with me throughout all those times I likely dissociated and shifted “personalities” without even realizing it, and I am grateful to them for loving me even despite me having so many frightening and serious psychiatric conditions. It was never my intention to deceive anyone into believing that Chloe was a separate, actual person on her own, and I apologize for any trouble I have caused anybody that I might not be aware of whenever I dissociated and became her. Where do I go from here? I do not know, this is uncharted territory for me and I suppose like I said I need to allow myself to be conscious and aware when I become Chloe so that it will ease the “personality” shifts when they happen and actually allow me to remain in control of all that I am doing, saying, thinking and feeling whenever the Chloe identity take center stage within me. I will be posting this here on Facebook on my main profile page, and I will also post it on Chloe's page as well so that people will be able to at last understand my condition and so that they will accept both myself as myself as Chloe with a full and true understand of what the actual deal is with us. Given that my mother had Paranoid Schizophrenia and my grandmother was bipolar, I can probably count myself lucky that the type of psychiatric disorders I do have, have not driven me stark raving mad. At worst, I am somewhat eccentric due to my shifting “personalities” and dissociative moments, but I have never harmed anyone during those dissociative moments so at least it seems that all three of my selves are of a decent moral and ethical character in that they are not prone to hurting anybody or doing anything seriously wrong. So this is where we are at right now, and all that is new with me. It is difficult news to put forth, but necessary and my current therapist Megan did say I needed to put my thoughts about things into writing and share them with those who care the most about me. So this is for not just people in general to read and understand, but also it is for the benefit of my friends and loved ones who truly, honestly, deserve to know the truth about what has been going on with me for the past year and a half.'
Love and Light to everyone, and may Allah continue to bring me greater peace and joy!
- Kara (who is also both Paul and Chloe)
Published 24th May 2024
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Hello Kara,
I feel very fortunate to read you this evening. Thank you for sharing your story so openly with us. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel.
Life can be difficult enough without adding what you have been through and are currently experiencing. The fact that you are still with us is testament to your fortitude.
I wish you nothing but sunshine and success on your journey to healing.
May Allah bless you.
I feel very fortunate to read you this evening. Thank you for sharing your story so openly with us. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel.
Life can be difficult enough without adding what you have been through and are currently experiencing. The fact that you are still with us is testament to your fortitude.
I wish you nothing but sunshine and success on your journey to healing.
May Allah bless you.
Many thanks for all the well wishes and blessings from the person who posted here just above my comment! Such blessings are well received, and most welcome. Indeed, what I have been through in life has been most difficult for me, and I have been long upon a great journey of healing and also of enlightenment that has led me to some very highly interesting places both spiritually and otherwise. I have gained not simply a greater understanding of myself, but a greater understanding of many other things besides. I am highly grateful for all my dear friends, my amazing fans, my devoted followers of my teachings, and everybody who has touched my heart and been touched by my works. It is all of you, who make writing for me so very worthwhile and the kindness and warmth that I am always shown on this site never fails to make me feel at home whenever I am here, which gives me the courage to speak my truths, to share my deepest secrets, and to continue to write still further. I am always happy when I am here, and happiness shared is happiness increased! *Smiles* :)
