my life jacket

 
I've been trying to figure out...
...hope
& how it works
just the latest perplexing question
incessantly plaguing me

is it something we're born with
destined to fill our hearts
...our minds
there from our first breath
left like a seed by some unseen force
perhaps a hangover from a previous life
waiting to be identified
fleshed out only
...by what we're willing to invest
as such...a fragile thing
slowly eroded by our inattention...
...repeated failure...abuse or neglect
until the last flicker is extinguished
...a dark void of despair
...eventually taking its place

or do we create it
one miniscule detail at a time
like a sculpture...
carved & molded into solidity
formed by experience & need
filling in gaps
where substance lacked
...our mind alone giving it being

{or is it driven by the heart...
...which organ is responsible for art
...for creativity
could that be what hope really is }

does it even exist
my head spins...
dizzyingly...
...circling & haunted by a million questions
as it so often does
shrinking the space in which I move

hmmm...
let me kick the can in another direction
does it even exist
...as more than a cop out
a means of relinquishing responsibility
I said I hope...
so failure is no longer blamed on me
it simply didn't happen
not meant to be
while I sat back & didn't act
because hope was expressed
akin to wishing on a star
...or some other fairytale bullshit

{never mind me
I'm just babbling}

whatever its origins
I'm struck by enormous gratitude
for paper & ink...
...digital screens
& the ability to release thought
toss these queries out into the Net
clearing mental & emotional room
{for however long that will ultimately last...}
when the walls of life close in
& boggles like this consume
poetry is my escape hatch