honest memories somewhere in the water

1.  
I have a love hate relationship with water  
and I can never fill a bathtub up without  
wondering how easy it would be  
to drown by candlelight  
while my family exists  
out of sight in the next room  
 
2.  
Showers sometimes feel like
the cure to depression
like I can wash my sadness away  
if I just stand there long enough  
 
3.  
I miss being a child  
dreaming of being a mermaid  
holding my breath underwater  
in the family pool  
until my human body  
succumbed to the need for air  
always disappointed I had  
to return to the world above  
 
4.  
Too many shower walls  
have seen my teenage self  
take a razorblade to my skin  
blood swirling like ephemeral tattoos  
down my body into a drain  
where no one will see I bled  
 
5.  
Full clothed men  
don't belong in showers  
with naked women  
and no amount of water  
was going to chase  
the whiskey from his veins  
while I screamed into the wall tiles
as he simultaneously tried to soothe me  
and rip me apart  
 
6.
I only love the ocean  
when I'm not standing in it  
give me salted air  
and westerly winds  
toes teasing the tide  
 
Mother Ocean has no mercy  
for those who think  
they can tame her  
 
7.  
It's been a long time  
since I've dreamed of drowning  
and I can't watch the ending of Titanic  
without getting nightmares  
that last for weeks  
 
8.
I've never told anyone  
ocean waves feel like a knife blade  
a slow swim to a riptide  
and invitation to a suicide  
I can't back out from  
 
9.  
There are days I still  
want to swim  
out into the ocean  
and not come back  
 
My inner child  
still secretly thinks  
I'm a mermaid