deepundergroundpoetry.com
Loss
I prayed to jesus every Sunday, plucked away every stray eyelash and sent it to the wind; all for the hopes to become beautiful and thin. And as my twelve year old self spent her years carving into her skin, and slipping her fingers down into the hearth of her throat, I wish I could hold her, and love her the way she should've been.
I am much older now, and maybe the years have aged me, aged my mind in ways I never thought it could, and when I think of twelve year old me, alone in my room, Speaking to older men who would never love her, finding solace in between the lips of a razor, or finding it on the inside of a restroom, the roaring shower to drown out the noise of my forced dry heaving, All I want to do is cry, and feel the loss that was my innocence. I wish I could've told her how much better things could be, that all she needed to do was hold on for the both of us.
I went to the doctor, yesterday; and I've lost twelve pounds; and that might not mean anything to anyone here, but to me it is the taste of freedom, and contentment. Because I lost it without forcing whatever herbal bullshit skinny tea I found at Walmart, down into the wells of my throat. I lost it without meticulously counting every calorie, every piece of shredded food that would touch the inside of my mouth, every piece of ice I swallowed. I lost it without slipping my fingers down my throat, without ever forcing so much water into my stomach that I threw everything all up.
I did it, on my own, Without ever having to hurt myself in the first place. Maybe this is what freedom tastes like, and Maybe it's a fluke, and i'll gain some of it back, but for the first time in what seems like eternity, I don't give a fuck.
I am much older now, and maybe the years have aged me, aged my mind in ways I never thought it could, and when I think of twelve year old me, alone in my room, Speaking to older men who would never love her, finding solace in between the lips of a razor, or finding it on the inside of a restroom, the roaring shower to drown out the noise of my forced dry heaving, All I want to do is cry, and feel the loss that was my innocence. I wish I could've told her how much better things could be, that all she needed to do was hold on for the both of us.
I went to the doctor, yesterday; and I've lost twelve pounds; and that might not mean anything to anyone here, but to me it is the taste of freedom, and contentment. Because I lost it without forcing whatever herbal bullshit skinny tea I found at Walmart, down into the wells of my throat. I lost it without meticulously counting every calorie, every piece of shredded food that would touch the inside of my mouth, every piece of ice I swallowed. I lost it without slipping my fingers down my throat, without ever forcing so much water into my stomach that I threw everything all up.
I did it, on my own, Without ever having to hurt myself in the first place. Maybe this is what freedom tastes like, and Maybe it's a fluke, and i'll gain some of it back, but for the first time in what seems like eternity, I don't give a fuck.
Published 19th May 2024
| Edited 26th May 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
- Edited 2nd Jul 2024 3:45am
19th May 2024 6:59am
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19th May 2024 4:22pm
19th May 2024 9:39pm
19th May 2024 10:31pm
There is a lot of strength in you, and I can read it in your writing. Fia xoxo
21st May 2024 12:56pm
24th May 2024 12:20pm
27th May 2024 11:21pm
That's powerful. You've been through it haven't you? Regarding your piece, you write well. Great imagery. You have a sense for poetic prose.
Regarding the experience, this is the sort of thing where you need professional guidance, so I hope that is part of your story. Nobody needs to be out there by themself with this. Writing can definitely be therapeutic.
Regarding the experience, this is the sort of thing where you need professional guidance, so I hope that is part of your story. Nobody needs to be out there by themself with this. Writing can definitely be therapeutic.
4th Jul 2024 11:40pm
Great last line! I cast my vote on the fact that YOU are beautiful...based on your picture...size is a star in your crown. Hugs and love, Oral
