deepundergroundpoetry.com
Love’s Cocktail
This lemon wedge,
floating in gin and angostura bitters.
Three words at the thin end —
and a wedding ring at the rind. Parched,
in Saharan dunes, by a calling sea,
refreshing rain, pours
rivulets streaming down the panes
of the cold glassed hot-house where I lie,
locked and shrivelled.
The brazen sun beats
while my panting tongue —
lolls.
floating in gin and angostura bitters.
Three words at the thin end —
and a wedding ring at the rind. Parched,
in Saharan dunes, by a calling sea,
refreshing rain, pours
rivulets streaming down the panes
of the cold glassed hot-house where I lie,
locked and shrivelled.
The brazen sun beats
while my panting tongue —
lolls.
Published 17th May 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Firstly, you're becoming quite the enjambment master. This is clever metaphor whose meaning, while subtle, is fully understood. And, while I hate to do this, and wouldn't if I didn't think it would truly improve the message. . .
Secondly, because you've requested honest critique: the first em-dash interrupted the flow of this for me because you used a conjunction right after. The purpose of an em-dash is to provide emphasis to a text; however, preceding a conjunction interrupts the flow of the enjambment more so than emphasizing it, imho. Try it without the conjunction to gauge the difference in emphasis.
The second em-dash I don't feel benefits from the adverb and would create more emphasis in the following way:
The brazen sun beats—
my panting tongue
lolls.
There is something to be said about the alliteration of l between 'while' and 'lolls'; however, it decreases the emphasis that you desire to create with the em-dash.
Secondly, because you've requested honest critique: the first em-dash interrupted the flow of this for me because you used a conjunction right after. The purpose of an em-dash is to provide emphasis to a text; however, preceding a conjunction interrupts the flow of the enjambment more so than emphasizing it, imho. Try it without the conjunction to gauge the difference in emphasis.
The second em-dash I don't feel benefits from the adverb and would create more emphasis in the following way:
The brazen sun beats—
my panting tongue
lolls.
There is something to be said about the alliteration of l between 'while' and 'lolls'; however, it decreases the emphasis that you desire to create with the em-dash.
19th May 2024 7:07pm
Having thought about it, and tried it, you’re right about the em-dashes, especially the first one. Also, I quite like your alternative ending.
Thank you for reading and writing this helpful comment :)
Thank you for reading and writing this helpful comment :)
22nd May 2024 8:48pm
22nd May 2024 9:57pm
