Pictures of Childhood Part 3

(Dedicated to my parents with love, who wanted the best for me and did the best they could.)
 
Mom tells me I'm the best at everything. That I'm better than all the other kids. She picks out all my clothes for me. Tells me what to say and what to think. When I disappoint her, she takes away her love. It's like hands that hold yours and they're suddenly retracting. Leaving and being placed back in their lap. I feel like I'm six again and lost in the mall. Frantically searching for her. Where's my mommy? I ask every stranger. But no one knows. She's gone.  
   
Piano lessons. Golf lessons. Tennis lessons. Mom buys me a pink, shiny tennis outfit to wear, while all the other kids are in old t-shirts and shorts. We have money, thanks to my stepfather. Must always be grateful to him. He's a homebuilder. His blueprints scattered across the drawing board in the office. But he grew up very poor. Sold rabbits to make money as a child. He is extremely frugal. The coffee he brews every morning like water. Mom wants me and my brother to have nice things. My stepfather is angry at this. Very, very angry.  
   
My high school has classes with large windows that look outside. One day I must take a file to the office for the teacher. Must walk down the corridor while everyone is watching me. My heart racing in my chest. I know they all know. They can see it plainly, and they hate me for it. What it is, though, I'm not quite sure. Maybe it's that I hate myself.  
   
I haven't been able to get off the couch upstairs. I'm in love with the boy who dresses like Edward Scissorhands. I play The Cure's “Pictures of You” on repeat for hours. Hear my mother's voice downstairs. Maybe she needs to see someone, she's saying. She takes me to this doctor. He's from Mexico. I ask him what kind of music he likes. Anything other than the music of war, he says. He puts me on pills with names like planets. They make me feel numb and so very hungry, and it's hard to cum anymore. I can get up off the couch, though. But I still love the boy who looks like Edward Scissorhands. Deeply, painfully so.  
   
https://youtu.be/8U7MeuIT0mw?si=Ft7vMyEdnoqMpfML