golden number seven

my mom was mentally abusive;
she built me up to be a strong, independent, black, woman,
then spent every moment she could tearing me down for being just that.
she made me fear who I am.

I ran as far away as I could, all the way to Florida; I immersed myself in college as much as possible.
I had no job, no car, and no money but I was determined to have friends and the social life I craved but was denied during childhood.
I didn't realize my parents and high school friendships had already set a pattern into place.
a pattern that set the groundwork for every interpersonal relationship, until.

I enjoyed college, I loved the small community social aspect of it;
I was able to hang out with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and overall just breathe for the first time, ever.
I was finally cultivating the lasting friendships I saw everyone else walk away from high school with.
until again, they all moved on.

"home" didn't disappear though,
by sophomore year it was all out war,
junior year my mom attacked me and I was no longer welcome in my childhood home,
summer before senior year I was officially kicked out, I haven't been inside since.

I still graduated though.

I was back in Texas, again with no car, no job, or money,
but I had a new lease on life;
I had my dad, one friend/ex from high school, and a college degree,
I believed I could do anything.

but I didn't know how.
no one actually taught me how to find jobs, market my self, or go after what I want.
no one thought the intelligent girl still needed to be taught how to do basic things.
everyone just pointed me in the direction of success and then were surprised when I wasn't successful.

so I went into everyday customer service;
it was easy, I got to be creative, and it interested me.
I told myself I'd stay until it wasn't fun anymore.
I retained that mindset for far too long, not realizing how it held me back by leeching into all other facets of my life.

barely over a year later I had a car and was moved out, I was nowhere near self sufficient though.
lucky for me there was one constant throughout college that continued once I got back.
the golden nugget that I oddly met throughout elementary school, became friends with in middle school, graduated high school with, dated long distance freshman year of college, rekindled friendship with post breakup, then drove to my college graduation 3 years later, officially began subsidizing my life.
and continued to do so for the next seven years.

he greatly eased my financial burden for a long time, but at a cost I never should have had to pay.
that golden nugget was fool's gold,
I didn't realize how much I was accommodating his energy and the way it drained me,
I didn't realize how it blinded me to how others treated me.

he was my blind spot for so long because all I saw was freedom,
moving out allowed me to pursue friendships I otherwise couldn't due to curfews and restrictions.
I finally got to hang out with the girl from work and her friends.
she enjoyed me, loved my presence, and entertained my insight.

but she didn't prioritize me

for six years,
in the hopes of a secure and healthy friendship,
I asked for nothing but her to hear me and see me,
while giving her everything I had

that seventh year broke her

she was jealous over the body I was building,
even though I did it with the same advice I'd been giving her over the years.
she was jealous I was becoming incredibly self-aware and learning myself,
even though I was actively trying to do it with her so we could both grow.

she was jealous you saw my worth and would take me away from her.
she was jealous of my level of commitment and the love I was fighting for.
she saw true happiness and fulfillment was real and regretted not fully thinking through the advice she asked me for three years prior.
she learned what settling looks like.

I now know when I left my dad's house I wasn't just moving out, I was escaping, again.
I had thought spending four years out of state and leaving my abuser would leave me with the freedom I needed to thrive.
I never stopped to think about how he let me go through it all, and without a shoulder to cry on.
he's the one who set me up to deal with all of life's problems on my own.
so I didn't even realize when he gave me the same "choice" my mom did two years prior.

live here comfortably as my child with no autonomy, or move out and figure it out on your own.

I left home way too early, and without the necessary tools for life, because both of my parents refused to raise the child they had.
I was so traumatized by their abuse and neglect I disassociated from my life and was just simply existing on auto-pilot.
I spent my twenties frozen, yet running from every single problem I had,
it was the only thing life taught me I knew how to do well.

until,
I set out to find me,
I chose to do something different,
I stayed, and I fought.

you set me free, you gave me my life back and added meaning to it.
you are the only person who has fought me, to see myself, for who I actually am.
I am a strong, independent, black, woman;
I am also loving to my core, kind above all else, witty, loud, energetic, a forever learner, protective, nurturing and so much more.

you love me so much you were willing to let me go so I could be me at my full potential,
but I could never run away from what always came back to me.
the man who always comes back, has a reason to,
so if he always comes back I need to find that reason within me.

you are my golden ticket to life and I need you to always show me what I can't see yet.