The Hate in the Darkness

When did I make this transition to a hater?    
Dont know if I ever stopped to notice it before    
But its clearly there lurking around in my mind      
     
When I hear inspirational stories or read uplifting material    
I feel animosity bubble up, like you would with a braggart    
As if they're throwing it in my face how great their life is    
Or how far they've come in their journey of betterment      
     
Its like, yea fucking great for you. Im so happy for you    
The power of positivity. The payoff of perseverence.    
Ugh...makes my stomach turn and my face distort like I ate something sour      
     
And I wonder      
     
Is it real?      
     
I mean, if your life is so great. If your life is moving in such a positive direction    
If you finally mastered the path to happiness or contentment or whatever it is that you seek    
Why do you need anyone else to celebrate you? Why do you need this outside acknowledgement?      
     
Isn't that the KEY? The illusive ANSWER.      
     
True happiness must come from within, right?    
We must love ourselves    
Self validation leads to contentment      
     
Yet, the second something good happens, the first thought is who to share the news with.    
We must make sure that everyone who can hear or see us will know that we are happy, that we love ourselves and we are content.    
Their opinion, their negativity, their venom, the bad energy cannot ruin the good that we have achieved.    
Because at the end of the day, the KEY to it all is within us.      
So therefore, their opinon...their input doesnt...or shouldnt matter      
     
Yet, that doesn't mean we don't want it.      
As long as it strokes our ego.    
Only if it strokes our ego.      
Pat me on the back and tell me good job or go fuck yourself      
     
Tell me how great I'm doing and how proud you are    
Tell me to keep up the good work    
Tell me what a huge change you have seen through my success    
Feed me. Play for me that wonderful symphony      
     
Anything else is just noise. Distraction. Unnecessary to my journey of SELF.      
     
Then we have those that want to help. The compassionate ones.      
The ones who have stood where you stand now.    
Walked miles in your shoes      
     
They can lead you to the promised land full of all that you have desired.      
They are at the ready with advice of what you should be doing.      
Of course they know because they are the success story that you hope to be      
     
But if you have walked in my shoes    
If you have been where I am now    
Then you should know how unhelpful that is.      
You should know that in despair, hope gets cast aside      
     
The can do attitude. The chipper personality. The cliche quips and quotes    
They make me want to vomit.    
They make me want to tune you out    
I'm fucking sinking in an endless abyss    
"You can do it!" Ain't gonna cut it      
     
Maybe I can do it.      
     
But your little banner and your pep talk    
And your catchphrase T shirt      
That ain't it      
     
You really want to help?      
Walk with me.    
Understand me    
Help me carry this burden    
Until I am ready to lay it down.      
     
Everything else comes off as pretentious      
And condescending      
     
Trust me Sally. I haven't carried this weight on my shoulders for 48 years because YOU never told me that I can choose to put it down.    
I am an addict of misery and suffering and self deprecation.    
It is not a part of me. It is who I am at my core.      
Leaving it behind is fucking scary.      
     
Its not so much can I, but rather do I want to.