A Diary Excerpt

Dear diary,

Im laying in bed and I cant block out the voices. Im tired and i want to sleep. So im going to get them out. I think it is better to just go back to feeling numb. I cant handle these feelings and emotions. They are just so extreme and so unrelenting.

These past couple weeks talking to *redacted* and opening up on a level I never have before has been an absolute roller coaster. I have come face to face with my demons. I have felt a lot of things that I haven't since I was a child. Its caused me to realize a lot about myself but its also made my fears, insecurities and paranoia become empowered to the point of being unbearable. Its made me see how unfit I am to be with anyone. Unfit to be in anyone's life. I can see that there are many heartbreaks that i experienced that i was directly responsible for because of who I am. Because of what i had to become in order to survive.

My kids deserved better. They deserved a father that didn't have to hide himself away. That wasn't too afraid to show his feelings. That didnt spend so much time in his head worrying about how they see me and what they think about me. Wasting time that passed by so fast and can never be gotten back. Im a failure. That's facts! I was so obsessed with not becoming my parents that I was afraid to even be a parent. Thats on me. I was wrong and they deserved better!

I see why me and *redacted* fell apart. I was distant. I wasnt present. I didn't feel comfortable enough to share everything that was going on in my head with her. I felt like she could never accept me if she knew and she never seemed interested anyway. So for years we drifted further and further apart. Neither of us did a thing to stop it. I just went further within myself and she moved on a little more every day. I take the blame for my part but it's not all on me. How she handled it was shitty and however fucked i might be in the head I didn't deserve that. I stayed for 18 years. I accepted shit that a lot of people wouldn't. I didn't run like I always do. I committed and i didn't break that comittment. Maybe that's why it hurts the most. I went against who i am because I thought we were worth it. I thought our family was worth it. My family didn't feel the same.

*Redacted*...what do I say about her? Shes incredible. Shes intoxicating. She's under my skin. Shes permeated my thoughts. Shes got me writing poetry again. Poetry about her even. I try to rationalize it. Shes being nice to me. She's helping me. Shes...fucking talking to me. Acknowledging my existense. Making me feel like I'm a fucking person again. She makes me feel good and hopeful and happy. Maybe these feelings i have for her aren't real and they're just brought on by all of that. But why should that invalidate them? Are those not qualities that should be what you look for? That you desire? To me, to my heart these feelings are real and valid. But they complicate things. Can we continue effectively if I am now speaking to someone I have feelings for? I already feel awkward about contacting her now. If I cant be open with her then she cant help me. If she can't help me theres no reason for our continued communication.

Yet again I have managed to sabotage a good thing. Its my biggest talent. I have someone here who is selflessly willing to be there for me. To help me get through this. To fight my demons with me. But that's not good enough for me. I want it all and so i will end up with nothing. There will be hurt. There will be regret. There will disappointment. There will be anger. This is why its better to stay numb. This is why i need to stay closed off. This is why i need to keep everyone at a distance. This is why I can't have nice things. So, i think its time to go back to my solitude. Its lonely but its comfortable. When you're not waiting, wanting, wishing or hoping for anything there is no let down. I know im going to hate myself for a while over this but collecting regrets is what i do. One more for the pile.