The Losing Game .

You go on as life isn’t a game where you have time out and to rationalise everything. I mean after a death of a close one you certainly don’t feel the sun or feel any fun. You’re wailing on the inside and quiet on the outside waiting with feelings that feel like a dose of gastroenteritis all liquidated and pouring out without an answer to how long you will be in cramping pain. No medications not even alcohol will not nip it in the bud it makes you feel worse you actually cry more, and you are in total uproar.  
 
Please stop let me out for time out. I am on all fours. i don’t know what I am here for anymore.  
 
Loss is the biggest cost to a person you will ever have but it’s not visible you don’t see it in your bank balance. It’s hidden with platitudes of its just time, and you will be ok. When will I walk on steady feet and know my route without looking back or drop my hand waiting to catch them. When will my automatic response become downloaded to factory settings and I can take me out of the box of memories and make my own. A selfie with some aspects I recognise and a slight slant of grief in my face, but my heart says that I survived.  
 
Please stop let me out for time out. I am on all fours. i don’t know what I am here for anymore.  
 
Life doesn’t put the breaks on even if it’s dropped down to first gear and gives you some relief as you feel are miles away in a life that doesn’t feel like yours. You have to find a way to live and die at the same time. Neither here nor over there you are just waiting on yourself to catch up with life because it doesn’t stop. It seems ruthless in its consistency another day's dawns, yet you are gripped in the night unable to see right.  
 
Please stop let me out for time out. I am on all fours. I don’t know what I am here for anymore.  
 
One day can’t say when you will know, and you will feel a bit less but learnt so much and you can live again with loss. It’s a constant companion but you have found you don’t need them around all the time. It’s gone from your back to your rucksack and the load feels more evenly packed. You realise it’s time to walk on your own path with memories in your pocket you have compartmentalised your life and you can reclaim some bits of you and them and find some comfort in that and silently say until we meet again one day and you walk with stability with one set foot prints on your way .