Cancer .

I realise that first lie cut deep way beyond a flesh wound. No entry or exit marks it just ricocheted from my head to my heart and stayed with a nauseous feelings of complete dismay . Cancer just walked in and I thought it’s going to take him away and I can’t do anything apart from words of encouragement and kindness and compassion and bucket loads of understanding.

You told me when I was eighteen years old in a very vulnerable situation as I had left my home and family behind after an incident that changed my life from the moment I walked out the door. Fear and loss and feeling alone and a certain amount of betrayal as I was going to throw my family under the bus and ride up front with you for ever more . That’s what I thought .

Living in Brighton it was actually ok and a job and a room that felt like a cave and a laundrette two miles away . You sacrifice in the short term for the long term goals. You though visited less coz of your cancer treatment and of course I understand now that it was all lies . You had actually found a new love an affair camouflaged in a despicable deception. It wasn’t drips of chemotherapy but sex and lust and another that was the reason for your declining health.

My heart was broken but little did I know I would be left totally shattered. You fed me fictitious treatment options and I thought you were going to pass away . That is a fact . Six months later once I had played my part in court gave evidence against my own brother and he got locked away as my family wanted to spit on my grave and mark it with grass. You disappear with your victim compensation which you were entitled to and I hear through the grave vine you had married your cancer with a child on the way .

I wanted to disappear that day and many days after as I could not believe how I could be so foolish and manipulated the pain spread like wildfire burning me on the outside and on the inside , each searing flame took me to the brink of am I to blame . I tried to cauterise the wounds but the scars are still there . All the memories of fear , disbelief, loss , emptiness , hatred of myself for not seeing how it actually was and my concept of trust was trashed . I have never been the same you know free like the breeze I feel I still have chains and a padlock of blame funny thing is I hold myself accountable as how can you be so gullible and I go over that again and again.

 I am now like the FBI and it’s not compatible with love it’s handcuffs and interrogations and feels like a life long sentence. I forgot to ask how are you now how is your journey with your cancer battle ? .  I heard you got a divorce and then remarried guess you must be feeling ok in remission to fight another day . I don’t really know what to say ? .

FYI my brother died aged 38 suddenly and never spoke to me again. Grief tinged with guilt I suppose life teaches you along the way . Fact of fiction I try my hardest to assess that but it comes at a significant cost . A book without the cover or the title as I cannot decide but it’s a chapter I have eventually scribbled over to let cancer be left on the book shelf gathering dust . I definitely can’t read that again .