deepundergroundpoetry.com
trying to write out my feelings instead of cutting
anguish is flowing in red rivers beneath my skin
and it’s screaming to be let out
i couldn’t tell you where it came from
all i know is that i’m wired wrong
i wouldn’t dare try to talk to anyone beforehand
people either freak out or act annoyed
and in such a vulnerable state,
that is the cyanide of human communication
i wish someone would help me
the way i need to be helped
i usually feel stressed
numb
sad
ashamed
lonely
and overwhelmed
when i feel the need to cut
and fighting that feeling is agonizing
because i just get more stressed
cutting lets me blow off steam
it calms me down
when i was younger they wanted to take it away from me
but they didn’t show me any other ways to feel relieved
they just yelled and stopped trusting me
and i soon learned that this made recovery worse
so i stopped talking about my feelings
i started bottling it all up
and sometimes it gets to be too much
so i just give in
and then i regret fighting because i feel so much better
professionals overreact and tell your parents when you relapse
when i was younger i thought therapy would help
but it was another source of shame with a list of things i couldn’t say
they don’t get that cutting is an addiction
and by shaming us for a relapse they make it feel like
all of the hard work resisting was pointless
they give us a suicide assessment and tell us we’re a “danger to ourselves” when we felt like we were recovering.
and then our self esteem is gone
we feel like we’ve failed.
this is what that the 13-year-old version of me needed to hear after a relapse: “hey, listen to me. it’s okay! i’m still just as proud of you, it’s your first time trying recovery and you only relapsed once over almost 3 weeks! you are incredibly strong, and i know how hard you fought the urge every day. that can be exhausting. can i clean them for you? here, i made you a list of alternatives for when you feel like this. next time it gets too stressful to handle would you want to try calling or texting me first? sometimes talking can be hard in the moment, but once you do it feels amazing to have the weight off your shoulders. you aren’t a burden like they said you are. when you talk, i listen, because i love you and i want you to feel better. let me give you a hug. want to spend time together? you’re being very brave and strong and i love you so much.”
but instead, i got treated like i was crazy
and so we start talking less, and cutting more
because talking is now a source of pain and not relief
it is like a current
it doesn’t stop pulling you in
i deal with it alone
every
single
time
i know i need a friend to open up to
i need hugs
i need to hear someone’s proud of me
i need to feel normal and loved
besides
how would i tell someone this:
“i’ve had a really hard day and i really feel like self harming. i want to cut so badly and the feeling isn’t going away. is it okay if you stay with me and help me with this? can i please get a hug?”
nobody’s going to react to that with compassion and understanding.
i know exactly how to help if someone said that to me. but unfortunately the person eager to help is the one who go needs the most help.
professional help only hurt me worse
i just need connection
but my wires are all tangled
i’m very sensitive and i can’t handle any extra stagnant pressure in my mind
so i stay quiet out of fear
it’s like my brain is speaking a language
that i know so well
yet can't comprehend
foggy and uncomfortable
i am far beyond stressed
nothing has been enjoyable
or exciting in years
my depression is a tunnel without a flashlight
i don’t want to be alone anymore
i don’t want to feel numb anymore
i can’t think about this stress until i get it out
and i can see it
and endorphins flood my brain
it’s a release
a fucked up language i can speak
and it makes me feel really good
so much better than anything else does
this is the problem.
yet it never stops dragging me deeper down
stopping didn’t change anything
i think about it every single day
burying my face in my hands,
i sink into my door as i close it behind me
- hope
and it’s screaming to be let out
i couldn’t tell you where it came from
all i know is that i’m wired wrong
i wouldn’t dare try to talk to anyone beforehand
people either freak out or act annoyed
and in such a vulnerable state,
that is the cyanide of human communication
i wish someone would help me
the way i need to be helped
i usually feel stressed
numb
sad
ashamed
lonely
and overwhelmed
when i feel the need to cut
and fighting that feeling is agonizing
because i just get more stressed
cutting lets me blow off steam
it calms me down
when i was younger they wanted to take it away from me
but they didn’t show me any other ways to feel relieved
they just yelled and stopped trusting me
and i soon learned that this made recovery worse
so i stopped talking about my feelings
i started bottling it all up
and sometimes it gets to be too much
so i just give in
and then i regret fighting because i feel so much better
professionals overreact and tell your parents when you relapse
when i was younger i thought therapy would help
but it was another source of shame with a list of things i couldn’t say
they don’t get that cutting is an addiction
and by shaming us for a relapse they make it feel like
all of the hard work resisting was pointless
they give us a suicide assessment and tell us we’re a “danger to ourselves” when we felt like we were recovering.
and then our self esteem is gone
we feel like we’ve failed.
this is what that the 13-year-old version of me needed to hear after a relapse: “hey, listen to me. it’s okay! i’m still just as proud of you, it’s your first time trying recovery and you only relapsed once over almost 3 weeks! you are incredibly strong, and i know how hard you fought the urge every day. that can be exhausting. can i clean them for you? here, i made you a list of alternatives for when you feel like this. next time it gets too stressful to handle would you want to try calling or texting me first? sometimes talking can be hard in the moment, but once you do it feels amazing to have the weight off your shoulders. you aren’t a burden like they said you are. when you talk, i listen, because i love you and i want you to feel better. let me give you a hug. want to spend time together? you’re being very brave and strong and i love you so much.”
but instead, i got treated like i was crazy
and so we start talking less, and cutting more
because talking is now a source of pain and not relief
it is like a current
it doesn’t stop pulling you in
i deal with it alone
every
single
time
i know i need a friend to open up to
i need hugs
i need to hear someone’s proud of me
i need to feel normal and loved
besides
how would i tell someone this:
“i’ve had a really hard day and i really feel like self harming. i want to cut so badly and the feeling isn’t going away. is it okay if you stay with me and help me with this? can i please get a hug?”
nobody’s going to react to that with compassion and understanding.
i know exactly how to help if someone said that to me. but unfortunately the person eager to help is the one who go needs the most help.
professional help only hurt me worse
i just need connection
but my wires are all tangled
i’m very sensitive and i can’t handle any extra stagnant pressure in my mind
so i stay quiet out of fear
it’s like my brain is speaking a language
that i know so well
yet can't comprehend
foggy and uncomfortable
i am far beyond stressed
nothing has been enjoyable
or exciting in years
my depression is a tunnel without a flashlight
i don’t want to be alone anymore
i don’t want to feel numb anymore
i can’t think about this stress until i get it out
and i can see it
and endorphins flood my brain
it’s a release
a fucked up language i can speak
and it makes me feel really good
so much better than anything else does
this is the problem.
yet it never stops dragging me deeper down
stopping didn’t change anything
i think about it every single day
burying my face in my hands,
i sink into my door as i close it behind me
- hope
Published 10th Apr 2024
Author's Note
been really overwhelmed lately and have been tempted to self harm. i haven’t relapsed in almost two months now. before that and like 5 other times all in august (august was particularly stressful) i actually didn’t do it once for over a year, it costed me lots of sleep though. that’s an understatement, i was miserable and it was all i could think of. but i forced myself through until i broke. i don’t know a person i can trust and turn to with this, but i’m still trying to clear some of the fog in my head in a healthy way tonight. this is probably unreadable, just some thoughts.
- hope
- hope
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10th Apr 2024 8:48am
Hey!
Hang in there. I also turn to my ink and paper when things get tough. I know it's hard but let all those emotions flow out in your poetry. I do find comfort in that, and I hope you will too.
I am the BurntCanary. A symbol of transformative rebirth leading to a newfound sense of freedom and power.
I wish this for you! Sending hugs
Hang in there. I also turn to my ink and paper when things get tough. I know it's hard but let all those emotions flow out in your poetry. I do find comfort in that, and I hope you will too.
I am the BurntCanary. A symbol of transformative rebirth leading to a newfound sense of freedom and power.
I wish this for you! Sending hugs
28th Apr 2024 1:56am
thank you so much i appreciate this more than you know! writing can be so healing. although it may not be perfectly coherent, i think that’s an important aspect of art.
-hope
-hope
