The Cult of the Screaming Habdabs

 
Ritual suicide anyone - it's this weekend
there's a mass grave in a state of readiness
The important thing is timing, of course
it's essential we synchronise our death throes
in order to maximise TV coverage by satellite

The rights have already been sold - worldwide
There's a couple of rules, but nothing too taxing
The obvious one is no flowers
and unfortunately long final speeches
are a definite no-no
Famous last words are allowed
but should be limited to a maximum of three
and your nearest and dearest
will automatically receive a complimentary DVD
capturing all the highlights at a discounted price

One crucial aspect to bear in mind
is that when the gong sounds
everyone has their capsule ready to swallow
It should be one clean gulp
resisting the temptation to chase it
around your mouth with your tongue
The effects will be almost immediate
and I am assured there will be no protracted
agonised twitching, involuntary dsplays of vomit
or unsightly bodily functions

Should anyone develop the screaming habdabs
and have second thoughts
at any point during the ceremony
they will be removed and left to live
We look forward to a large turnout
and because of the huge numbers expected on the day
we ask for your patience when dealing with our support teams
who are waiting to assist you
beyond the event.