(19) A Year Ago 12.06.23 @ 2:16am

My life in consideration, my existence.
I’m fed up with my problematic lifestyle!
Repenting every night before I close my eyes.
Though it ain’t perfect, life sure is worth it.

Regardless of what goes on in our everyday lives.
From the past & the pain, this is something I can say.
It’s the good times I had that runs through my head.
Not a single day goes by.

Without my constant wondering;
Why the time had to go, I don’t have an answer.
The rest of them got me agitated.
On these streets, looking for something.

Life of depression, my mother can be found;
Under the misty rain of misery and tears.
The day her mother went from full figured to dust.
Was the day her smile vanished eternally.

If good times could rewind, I’d have it on pause.
There’s no rewind, only in my head is this a movie.
Roaming on these cold four corners.
Inside this grey & blue marble, I’m looking up.

May fourteen a year ago, two thousand fourteen.
I was only sixteen.
I couldn’t sleep, I got a call that night.
Your grandmother is no longer with us.

A Year ago,
It was destined for her to leave this cruel world.
After that call, my love seized & my heart collasped.
In a coma state of mind, I keep her in my thoughts.

Times likes these made us cold, tears from our eyes.
Since then, it hasn’t been easy anymore.
I wonder when will my time come?
My poisons consumption increases by the day.

Will it worsen by the situation?
They question me, if I’m ready for death.
I am prepared for what is to come.
I tell them all, “Fuck it I’m ready.’

My addict personality changed me.
In third person, I saw myself going through it.
In my head knowing none of this is right.
The good are dying young & these rhymes get deeper.

Rest In Peace Larry J Mckinney III , September 5. 2014
Tears in the dark followed me when I found out.
I had no way of knowing, I even missed your funeral.
I’m so sorry, it’s been a couple years since your passing.

Still, none of this seem real.
I’m trying to hide the pain with poison.
All the while recording my despairing existence in blue ink.
I still can’t figure out what life has in store for me.

Was it supposed to be like this?
Everybody must suffer because hard time is the source;
That produces these rhymez.
No way to avoid it, it’s mandatory to encounter.

Making my way through these cold dark isolated hallways.
Thousands of thoughts running through my head.
Will there ever be light at the end of this?
One can only hope.

“To live is to sleep and to die is the awaken”
I’m just living to die, waiting for my time.
A year ago.
I was living life to the fullest.

This state of mind is my constant disturbance.
Until it wears off, I’m “temporarily okay’
Will I make it through the night?
I wonder how long death will take to arrive.

Meanwhile making my way closer to hell.
These days. I may end up disappearing voluntary.
These days, it’s just me, myself & I.
All the drugs in the world can’t save my soul.

Drink until alcoholism rots away your self respect.
The contraband tucked in between your fingers,
Can only set you free into the arms of death.
My insanity lies behind my disguised shadow.

It’s been said repeatedly but I’ll say it again.
To forget is the light up your problems up & smoke it.
Until the outcome hits you unexpectedly.
Then shall you proceed with set outcome.

A year ago, it wasn’t like this.
Since junior high, the fiery flames been growing.
I stay crossed faded both in reality and in my mind.
Reality & I is something that can’t be anaylzed.

We’re distant like prisoners and freedom.
Will I face prison cells in the distant future?
Will I stay free on these streets?
These questions float around in my mind.

I’m sick of this worrying shit.
I’m done with my existence.
Fill up the needle & release me to freedom!
Do you know what goes on in my mind?

I need help because I ain’t right.
A year ago, I didn’t think I’d be in this postion.
Depression, aggression and frustration in addition.
Stressing myself out this time.

I’m not sure what it’s about.
It used to be so smooth around my way.
A year ago, most of the days were good days.
Respect to my loved ones.

Even though I don’t always show it.
To my family, I really do love you all.
From the bottom of my black gushing heart.
I’d be lying if I said, I don’t regret all that I’ve done.

Day by day, my problems only get worse.
Light up another cigarette homie.
Let me tell you about my dreams and regrets.
If you’re not ready for what I’m about to say.

Then please back the fuck off.
These dark lines rise from misery & motivation.
Progression & intoxication is my mind constantly.
We gon’ make it through but oh wait! I mean, I’ll make it.

A year ago, I didn’t think I’d feel this.
Misery after misery, will it ever stop?
My desires is to be free from all this.
Now I must proceed with life until my last breath.