A Journey through Sexuality and Gender

i was taught as a child
Straight was the only way
It was never acceptable
For anyone to decide that they were gay
men who liked men
lived their lives in sin
A disgusting abomination
As time went on
I left my dogma behind
i opened my eyes
expanded my mind
Why should I care if a guy wants a guy?
Once or twice, one even caught my eye
It wasn't wrong
But it still wasn't good
They were often cast out
And always misunderstood
I thought that I believed that it really was alright
But I realized even I was still bothered by the sight
I still had that prejudice
It was so deeply ingrained
It would a few years still
 until I'd gotten that untrained
I didn't ever want to really be with any guy
But it wasn't really something I wasn't willing to try
I started changing my wardrobe
Borrowing girls clothes
And wearing skin tight pants
Nail polish and makeup
Any time I had the chance
part of me liked the way people looked at me
slightly uncomfortable with that they see
they didn't understand
why I dressed that way
Or why beautiful girls still held my hand
I might be totally straight for all that they know
But the clothes I wore
challenged the status quo
in time, dressing as a girl kind of lost my interest
and I started dressing like gender just didn't exist
i wasn't into guys, but I often wished
it seemed like it'd be simpler that way
if I could just be spoiled and gay
but i just love women too damn much
Gender-non-conformity
Often made me one of the girls
I had a beard, but I could still wear heels and pearls
I had identified as a straight male
When my sexual journey started years before
But one day I started to wonder
If what I was used to is what I wanted anymore
i realized that most of my fantasies
were different from my usual practice
i wasn't dissatisfied with my role
but I realized I was just an actress
i liked the sex, but not the body I was in
But I was afraid to change
I convinced myself I was content
To stay as I'd always been
I decided to live as a male, knowing I was not
Most of the time I felt at least partly like a guy
But never like a man
And usually a bit like a lie
it didn't matter how I changed the way I looked
The person in the mirror always looked a little strange
I wished and wished for a different body,
But I was still afraid to change
eventually I had a chance
to get away from the world a while and hide
And finally let myself explore
The person I was inside
I shaved my beard, I put on makeup and a dress
Part of me felt weird, part was still afraid
The rest was screaming yes
Still, I wasn't ready to commit
I got a prosthetic for my chest
To see how I would feel when the dress actually fit
I decided to take a while,
And give the real me a try
with my makeup and new boobs
i looked so natural to me
I'd always been pretty in a way,
But I finally liked what I could see
i liked the way I looked
and it felt right when people called me she
but i usually had a feeling
that I couldn't really shake
as much as I liked the way I looked,
i felt like it was fake
as my body slowly changed,
i still had fake tits in my bra
any time I took it off
i didn't like the chest I saw
But I couldn't do anything about that
while I waited for it to change
I watched other parts of me put on fat
My legs got thicker, but stayed beautiful and toned
i saw a butt that looked better
than the one I'd always owned
My body wasn't all
that slowly increased in size
As my facial features softened
I even saw bigger eyes
i have dimples now
Which was a nice surprise
I saw the curves on my sides
Becoming more pronounced
And my stummy began to grow
I don't even mind the weight-gain
It found a good size to plateau
And now that it has,
my real boobs are starting to finally show
I love how my body's changed
And it's still got a lot to go
A bigger butt, thicker thighs and wider hips
A rounder, softer face with nicer, fuller lips
a curve forming in my spine will make me shorter
and accentuate my figure
My boobs will keep getting bigger
Of course there are still parts of me
I don't particularly enjoy
There always were and will be
But at least I'm not a boy