A Tamed Woman With A Mustang Soul (Journal Entry 10)

I woke up this morning, thought to myself, I want to be different, I want to wake up lighter on the inside and outside. So, I slipped cardio into the dvd player, frustrated at the 15 minute interval, cause I couldn't keep up with the instructor, but for the first time ever, I decided to be patient and kind with myself. I don't care if I look stupid, I know I'm in here, and I'm gonna find me, as I grabbed a chair to rest while also doing leg lifts.
The burn in my body, red alerts in my rotator cuff and knee, still I slowed down and pushed through. Now, I'm sitting here, with a fully completed workout, rewriting my to do list for today.
Let me be clear, there is no vanity in my goals, I just want to be me again.
I'm gonna ride that mustang Freedom again!
And we are gonna climb that mountain, in the middle of a lightening storm, but this time, im gonna enjoy the ride sooner.
There is a conflicting war in me and I don't understand it, so many times i feel that if I enjoy happiness and growth, that somehow it makes others go without. I never want to do for myself at the expense of others.
But, I think if I can be me again, that's a joyful occasion. Nobody wants a depressed and gloomy person, that's worse for the atmosphere of the family as a whole. I've been a mommy for so long, they don't know Anna, they don't know truly who I was before becoming a mommy and a wife.
I just hope it's not to late to show them.
God, please give me strength.
Love,
Anna