deepundergroundpoetry.com
Musing on early Neighbours.
Where do Neander's go
said sapient to mate,
we don't see much of 'em, although
we used to do of late.
I spied 'em when I courted you
at your Pa's old place,
and to win you had no recourse
but bash in his old face...
Our families feuding fading now
more hungry mouths to fill,
but Neander's don't come sniffing round
to admire our kiddies kill's.
Where on earth do Neander's go
when roar voiced hunter's meet,
with baying dogs and scream of hog
we rip apart to eat
said sapient to mate,
we don't see much of 'em, although
we used to do of late.
I spied 'em when I courted you
at your Pa's old place,
and to win you had no recourse
but bash in his old face...
Our families feuding fading now
more hungry mouths to fill,
but Neander's don't come sniffing round
to admire our kiddies kill's.
Where on earth do Neander's go
when roar voiced hunter's meet,
with baying dogs and scream of hog
we rip apart to eat
Published 25th Oct 2023
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I hear they lurk in our DNA.
Seriously though, I laughed my ass off at that second stanza.
This one I can really relate to since growing up in a big family, like I did, is kind of like anthropology 101 in its own right. That, and my experience working with the public has left me forever seeing a bit of the paleolithic in all of us, which is why cavemen are so intrinsically hilarious. (Emphasis on the men since ladies are typically the more sophisticated sex, and thereby less likely to make asses of themselves on a regular basis).
A couple of observations, if I may?
I'm kind of thinking that the second stanza might be somewhat improved by adding the word "to" between the first two words of the last line, thusly..."but to bash in his old face". The stanza is perfection otherwise, and comedy gold.
I'm also thinking that the last line of the third stanza could be adjusted to something like..."to eat what our kids will kill". This would get the rhyme endings and tense in agreement for the sake of overall rhyme flow, which is otherwise terrific.
Between the 8 and 6 common measure approach and the domestic violence implications there's a real Irishness going on here, and I love it.
Reminds me of that old joke about the Irishman, his wife, the Pope, and the coal shovel:)
Seriously though, I laughed my ass off at that second stanza.
This one I can really relate to since growing up in a big family, like I did, is kind of like anthropology 101 in its own right. That, and my experience working with the public has left me forever seeing a bit of the paleolithic in all of us, which is why cavemen are so intrinsically hilarious. (Emphasis on the men since ladies are typically the more sophisticated sex, and thereby less likely to make asses of themselves on a regular basis).
A couple of observations, if I may?
I'm kind of thinking that the second stanza might be somewhat improved by adding the word "to" between the first two words of the last line, thusly..."but to bash in his old face". The stanza is perfection otherwise, and comedy gold.
I'm also thinking that the last line of the third stanza could be adjusted to something like..."to eat what our kids will kill". This would get the rhyme endings and tense in agreement for the sake of overall rhyme flow, which is otherwise terrific.
Between the 8 and 6 common measure approach and the domestic violence implications there's a real Irishness going on here, and I love it.
Reminds me of that old joke about the Irishman, his wife, the Pope, and the coal shovel:)
26th Oct 2023 9:31am
DNA? yes, so I've heard. 2% (ish)
This one was started in junior school. It got an F.
As for adding anything or otherwise editing I've probably got dozens of iterations of it in various note books, electronic devices, social sites etc
(in common with all my pieces) editing never seems to end and so every possible combination will exist, somewhere. Thanks.
This one was started in junior school. It got an F.
As for adding anything or otherwise editing I've probably got dozens of iterations of it in various note books, electronic devices, social sites etc
(in common with all my pieces) editing never seems to end and so every possible combination will exist, somewhere. Thanks.
26th Oct 2023 10:31am
26th Oct 2023 10:56am
Thanks for the encouragement re F.
The 44 people in my class at school were asked to write something regarding a meeting between Neanderthal & Sapiens.
Most wrote boy meets girl stuff. Some hinted at cooperation between the two species. One or two suggested we gave them the common cold and killed them all off. Or, a variation of all the above.
Mine was the only one which featured violence and horror of horrors sapiens was the violent ones.
Thanks for the visit.
The 44 people in my class at school were asked to write something regarding a meeting between Neanderthal & Sapiens.
Most wrote boy meets girl stuff. Some hinted at cooperation between the two species. One or two suggested we gave them the common cold and killed them all off. Or, a variation of all the above.
Mine was the only one which featured violence and horror of horrors sapiens was the violent ones.
Thanks for the visit.
