Journal Entry 5

Jr. League football playoffs today, pray they win, they've only won one game this year, and it was against a team that had lost all theirs lol.      
Miracles do happen! They need the lift!      
Suns shining, wind chimes sound beautiful, I've been up since four a.m cleaning.      
Already fixed a pot of stew for dinner tonight, thinking about going to my family's and sharing with them. My parents are definitely showing strong signs of aging, not to mention my mom battling stage four endometrial cancer. She doesnt know that I know it's stage four. Her best friend devulged the information one day when I ran into her at the grocery store.      
I cried, then got so angry, now, like mom I've settled it in my heart. She acts as if everything is normal, when new symptoms and ailments arise, she will say, I don't know what's causing this. I think to myself is denial her coping mechanism? The only solution I can offer is, you should go back to the doctor mom, to which she always responds, what and create another 4k dollar bill?      
I tell her those bills will still be there when she's dead and gone, but really I'm thinking why?      
She says she's letting God handle it, my mom never was much the religious type, matter of fact, she used to act like the devil quite frankly Lol      
She physically and mentally wasn't nice to me growing up ( putting it nicely), everyone always got upset and would ask me why, even as an adult, I would continue to go around her.      
Well, she is my mom lol      
She's the only mother I've ever had, that is besides the two wonderful grandmas that also helped raise me.      
My mom never took me to church after her and my dad's divorce, my grandma did on my dad's side, my mom's mom taught me how to run the hills, cook, fish, clean, and give a man a hard time.      
Lmao      
My grandma on my dad's side took me to church, dressed me in dresses, cooked for her husband, never complained, smiled, kept the light on at night, climbed on her knees with me every evening to say thanks to the Lord for the blessings of the day.      
One sandpaper with thick grit and a large mouth, the other a big red heart with silk edges and soft faith.      
And I love them both dearly.      
I had to eradicate a lot of traits that were passed down from the redneck side.      
A man doesn't want a woman that can do everything for herself and then want praise for it.      
He doesn't want a woman thats bossy and hard.      
But I also know life molds us sometimes, and we become the things we most hate in others from environment and experience.      
So, I tossed the things that weren't soft in me, it took years, but.      
I still have a little sandy red neck side 😂      
Though it has to pile on for a while and be relentless before enough is enough.      
And if by chance I do blow, there's an internal voice whispering the whole time, stop saying that, you're gonna cry bout this later, don't fbomb...don't raise your voice. Lol Is that God? I'd argue yes lol      
Hey, i'm getting there, it's a work in progress.      
Anyways, I never let space grow in between my mother and I growing up, I constantly made peace with her, talked about other perspectives, let her be right, that is until she herself started viewing things differently, and I give all the credit to God. Now, she's calling me and reading me scripture. Lol She's checking in on me, she's buying me gifts and saying I love you. It's been a hard way with my mom.      
When I was young I begged the cops to take me away, ( i ran away often) family tried to adopt me to get me out of her clutches. I tried to commit suicide 5 times as a teen. Ya know, when you are not yet 18, the cops won't believe you, and when there are no exits, you create your own. One time I took a load of pills, I started passing out and got scared, because you know, you want to die until you actually start dying lol. So I told my mom and she looked me square in the eyes and said, if you are stupid enough to do that, then you deserve the consequences. She never took me to the er. My stepdad sat beside my bed all night waking me up every five minutes. Looking back I couldn't imagine as a parent doing that to my children. Nobody would save me from the hell, but....i survived lol. Only by the grace of god. But now, all these years later...42 to be exact, I see the reason God never let it be easy on me.      
It's almost as if roles are reversed now, and somehow I became a mother to her in many ways.      
It took all these years to have the relationship I needed as a little girl with my mother. Don't get me wrong, she still has relapse days 😂 And now my sister in law has become her muse. I tell sis all the time, just let her rant.      
But, she's not like me and she goes right back at her. Lol Which I actually find comical.      
I love my mom, I feel sorry for her, and it's not even because of the cancer, but knowing how she was raised by her mother now as an adult, I think it's important to hold compassion for someone who was a product of a situation that was also out of her control as a little girl. Everyone is different, I just knew and was dead set on being a loving gentle mom when I became one, I never spanked my children, not even once, and there were days they needed it lol. It's cool to watch generational anger melt into love if you can just stay strong and put forth effort to make a change no matter what hell you have to go through to get it done. Again, all praise and thanks goes to God.      
I couldn't have done nothing on my own, just as I know my mom couldn't make the change on her own. So in conclusion, id say loving always, in spite of, will eventually make change if one can be strong enough to endure and keep faith that God will help you.      
The older I get the more I realize family and friends are most definitely what life's about. It's not the clothes, the stuff, the house the ego.      
It's the gratitude, the unconditional love, forgiveness and sticking by each other through hell moments that create a great change for a better future.      
So, anyways, yeah, dinner for mom and Allen tonight.      
Then maybe afterwards I'll run the ridge and drink my eggnog I got on sale yesterday at walmart. ;)      
 Then again, maybe I'll milk my cow and call it a night like the old timers.      
Either way, thank you Lord for the blessings in my life, please help the world and give us mercy, please help those that are in need and searching, the lost and the broken.      
Oh...PS God...please let little Will win his play offs today!    
Love,      
Anna