shadow master

 
it's the nature of the damage with someone so incredibly fractured
we come with a legion of shadows
mutinous glutinous creatures
prone to take-over if given half a chance
they need to be kept in 24-hour line of sight
the slightest distraction will have them gnawing at their restraints
it's a constant double battle  
trying to manage them... & life
one eye on the horizon...the other turned inside
they'll be on me if I miss the slightest step
ugly beasts with ominous eyes & serrated teeth
their fetid breath of a lifetime's death...mine
hot on the back of my neck
Insubordination is their middle name
causing me to pause & step fully into the dark
hunt one or two out & put them in check
protected only by naked vulnerability  
{ironic that...but more powerful than you might think}
I'm always mindful of finding softly glowing sparks
one needs illumination to find them
as shadows can't be seen in the dark
it's a place where they prey on my weakness  
stirring up my self-doubt
force-feeding me self-loathing
making me question my purpose in this world
...perhaps it would be better if I just didn't...exist
not a journey for the faint of heart
or the weary
but it's mine & I've walked its paths so many times they're painfully familiar  
 
enter now the new master
changing the landscape & weaponizing my pain
shrouding my eyes from any external shine
as one by one my own flickers slowly failed
{it doesn't happen overnight
it takes time
otherwise we'd recognize & take immediate flight}
until at last I cowered on a bridge with no rails
in absolute absence of light
unable to see for safe footing...I froze
all fight went out of me
trapped inside my own worst aspects
crying out for help that never came
instead of using the whip on them
he lashed out...wrapping its sharp edges around me
flecks of metal embedded in my psyche
a prisoner in my own nightmare & that's where I remained
existing inside a perpetual trigger
hearing words unimaginable  
"your pain & your anxiety are like candy to me
I can use them...
makes you easier to control"
until the day he carelessly dropped the key
& I desperately snatched it up
crawling on hands & knees
across the shattered glass of my broken dreams  
tiniest glimmer in the distance my focus
terrified he might notice
dropping into stillness
whenever he turned his attention my direction
hovering...another shadow in a world of grey
please don't look my way...
 
it wasn't supposed to be like this
he wasn't as he first presented
or not what he initially seemed
applying just enough tender caressing to engage the heart
game over...once I succumbed to his charm
& when it faded...so did the masquerade  
vision cleared & all was revealed
as he became something unexpected  
or worse thought than that is this one...
maybe he was & I just didn't listen...
who would believe such a monster is real
but the kingdom he created suddenly fell

all illusions illuminated & I was apalled
realizing how foolish I was...
makes me want to throw up
that I could be so self-neglectful
allowing such evil over the fence
walking around shielding my eyes
windows to the soul indeed
hoping nobody saw how stupid I'd been
even as he abased me...I kissed his hands
how tragic is that
another mistake made I must eventually forgive
& that's some heavy shit
harder than forgiving another...
...is letting our own fuck-ups go
a new danger unforeseen with which I now have to contend
& I will
setting new internal alarms to guard against it ever reoccurring  
...never...again...
he had discovered the most deadly secret
without me even seeing
controlling my darkness also controls me
a near fatal lesson
 
 
 
 
 
it's over...
...enough said on that...