deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Barrier
i begin to leave
you begin to scream
i hesitate
you stand behind me
i flinch
you pull your arm back
i plead
your knuckles white
i cover my face
you make contact
i sit and shake
you walk away
i don't follow
you leave the room
i try to compose myself
you sit at the table
i nurse my mouth
you hold your head in your
i walk in
you begin to apologise
i nod
you reach for me
i flinch
you stare at my eyes
i stare at yours
you promise to never hurt me again
i don't believe you
i see your sorrow
you see the misery you cause
i know i will never leave
you know you will never let me.
you begin to scream
i hesitate
you stand behind me
i flinch
you pull your arm back
i plead
your knuckles white
i cover my face
you make contact
i sit and shake
you walk away
i don't follow
you leave the room
i try to compose myself
you sit at the table
i nurse my mouth
you hold your head in your
i walk in
you begin to apologise
i nod
you reach for me
i flinch
you stare at my eyes
i stare at yours
you promise to never hurt me again
i don't believe you
i see your sorrow
you see the misery you cause
i know i will never leave
you know you will never let me.
Published 14th Feb 2010
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14th Feb 2010 5:13pm
your poem creates atmosphere of never-ending circle inside unhappy relationship - as well as dependency and distraction. i like the idea, but poem itself would benefit from detailed editing. thanks for sharing
14th Feb 2010 5:42pm
though i liked the idea of your poem i've noticed that your poem lacks of vivid descriptions. try and work on each and every line so as to give the impression what you write is really happening =]]
14th Feb 2010 8:09pm
thanx for all the advice im new to this and am still learning but thanx i will work on it and see what i can do to improve it .
15th Feb 2010 9:29am
...if you intended it, but what you've done is created a raw minimalist feel to this poem because of that lack of description. There's an urgency that comes through very strongly. The logistics do need sorting out, as the sequence of events is kind of blurry. But it's very clear to me you have the potential to go on and produce much better. Don't be disheartened.
