deepundergroundpoetry.com
Aphrodisian Tribute
Cytherea likes her pearls
Pressed gently to her breast
As much as healthy human girls
When they become obsessed
To offer heaven's fairest chest
Whereto fair pearls will roll...
From Cupid's arrow, well caressed,
Out from his self control...
Whereon she is anointed
With Cupid's hearty trove;
Now twinkling so well appointed
As goddess gems behove;
A décor coquettes love to wear
As if it were a thirst
For treasure shot out through the air...
As if a pipe had burst.
Pressed gently to her breast
As much as healthy human girls
When they become obsessed
To offer heaven's fairest chest
Whereto fair pearls will roll...
From Cupid's arrow, well caressed,
Out from his self control...
Whereon she is anointed
With Cupid's hearty trove;
Now twinkling so well appointed
As goddess gems behove;
A décor coquettes love to wear
As if it were a thirst
For treasure shot out through the air...
As if a pipe had burst.
Published 10th Sep 2023
| Edited 13th Sep 2023
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likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 139
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The author encourages honest critique.
I think you need a "do" in here, the syllable count of the alternate lines is 6, whereas this one is only 5. I do ( no pun intended ) think it would read better as well ( I read all poems outload and got stuck on this line. ).
Whereto fair pearls [ do ] roll...
Excellent composition and imagery. Wow @ that final line!
Whereto fair pearls [ do ] roll...
Excellent composition and imagery. Wow @ that final line!
11th Sep 2023 00:18am
Well now I am in a compositional bind. Although I'm glad you like it overall, I'm unsure how to proceed with line 6. I get a 6 count when I read it, with "fair" and "roll" being on the long side, as syllables go, which has me disinclined to drop in another syllable.
But you are quite right about the read out loud thing, and that is even the recommended practice of no less an authority than Stephen Fry in his book THE ODE LESS TRAVELLED, and full disclosure, I usually just rely on my internal voice (yes I am that lazy), so there is certainly room for error from that alone.
I am also dissuaded to use the word "do" as I fear the criticism of that word from John McWhorter in his book... OUR MAGNIFICENT BASTARD TONGUE, wherein he claims the word is often semantically unnecessary, and I think I share that observation. Rereading just now has me contemplating "whereto fair pearls WILL roll" (assuming they receive permission first).
What say you?
But you are quite right about the read out loud thing, and that is even the recommended practice of no less an authority than Stephen Fry in his book THE ODE LESS TRAVELLED, and full disclosure, I usually just rely on my internal voice (yes I am that lazy), so there is certainly room for error from that alone.
I am also dissuaded to use the word "do" as I fear the criticism of that word from John McWhorter in his book... OUR MAGNIFICENT BASTARD TONGUE, wherein he claims the word is often semantically unnecessary, and I think I share that observation. Rereading just now has me contemplating "whereto fair pearls WILL roll" (assuming they receive permission first).
What say you?
Nope, it's 5 syllables the way I'm reading it.
Where•to•fair•pearls•roll
Will roll is much better! Love the consonance of it! I just read it aloud and it reads perfectly: pearls will roll.
Where•to•fair•pearls•roll
Will roll is much better! Love the consonance of it! I just read it aloud and it reads perfectly: pearls will roll.
11th Sep 2023 00:35am
I will make it so!
As rolling pearls are the goal.
I dare not disappoint Aphrodite:)
As rolling pearls are the goal.
I dare not disappoint Aphrodite:)
11th Sep 2023 00:56am
11th Sep 2023 1:54pm
11th Sep 2023 2:05pm
11th Sep 2023 2:08pm
