deepundergroundpoetry.com
I Will Never Trust...
I feel really lonely
It tis such a big shame
I know that you are only
The one who is to blame
My heart is black with hate
The pain will shred my soul
Never will I trust fate
And now I'm left so cold
Will it ever leave me?
So I can live my life?
A life that's meant to be
No tears, no pain, no strife
To be happy you must
First learn to give trust
It tis such a big shame
I know that you are only
The one who is to blame
My heart is black with hate
The pain will shred my soul
Never will I trust fate
And now I'm left so cold
Will it ever leave me?
So I can live my life?
A life that's meant to be
No tears, no pain, no strife
To be happy you must
First learn to give trust
Published 19th Apr 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 770
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Apr 2012 2:27am
I'd change "It tis such a bit shame" to "It's such a big shame" or "It is such a shame" and "Never will I" to "I'll never." In both spots it'll help the syllable counts in the lines (helping the flow) and it takes away some smudgy grammar. I'd also take away the question mark at the end of "Will it ever leave me" because that and the next line are one thought, so there should be no punctuation in between.
19th Apr 2012 3:21am
The only reason it was like that was because this was an assignment for english, and we had to write a poem with 5 syllables in each line. But thank you for your suggestions.
19th Apr 2012 6:43am
Ah that makes sense, and explains the syllabic count. Personally I find measured lines like that to make rhyming poems so much better because of what it adds to the rhythm and flow (the only reason rhyme exists anyway).
19th Apr 2012 8:44pm
Yes, I agree with you on that completely. All of my favorite poems are like that.
