I Hate Computer Cookies

I hate stubbing my toe on a piece of furniture, it’s ok though, I shout at the furniture too. I hate opening the box of matches upside-down. The free fall of matches does something funny to the psyche doesn’t it?

I have issues with pizza. I hate when I drop the pizza gooey side down after trying to remove it from the oven without a pair of oven gloves. Then I hate burning the roof of my mouth for the second time because the first bite into the roasting hot pizza wasn’t enough to teach me a lesson. And I hate the inevitability of the pizza ending up on my new white shirt.
 I stopped wearing a bib when I was a baby... who thought that was a wise decision!?

I hate that kids do not respect their elders anymore. Apologies if I’m old stock. Kids are not equals in my world. They are merely beloved children, who deserve all the dignity and respect in the world, but I’m not kow towing to them and acting as if they are experts in any other field other than being and acting like children. Greta, unfortunately, was weaponised and it hurts me. It’s wrong.

I hate playing golf in the rain, cycling in the rain, music concerts in the rain. I hate when it rains on my holidays.

I hate queues nearly as much as I hate people who jump the queue. Don’t give me that “I’m confused look, Oh! what’s happening here?, why am I gravitating towards the front of this line of people?. It’s because you are self entitled c word.

I hate having to sit through advertisements. I see red when I can’t “ skip after 5 seconds”. As for cold callers to my front door... I hope you wear body armour.

I hate the fakeness of social media, everybody's life isn’t perfect, people don’t “like” the rant you just posted, they think you are a nut job, but you will get a lot of thumbs up all the same. You are not that skinny, and we all recognise the use of filters at this stage. Dopamine addiction is a real thing. Life is actually really happening outside your phone, believe it or not.

I hate holes in my socks. I hate that I still wear those socks anyway. A good example of a repetitive negative cycle.

I hate rushing around an unfamiliar town, looking for the public toilets, only to find them and realise that they are out of order.

I hate when I let my mind focus in on the loud ticking of a clock in a room. That should be an avoidable background It ends up as loud as thunder and suggests that my mind is not at ease. Where is my mind?

I hate when liberal parents don’t keep their unruly kids in check in public places. I hate Granny’s paying penny by penny front of a busy queue. I hate the static shock regularly received off the door of the car.

I hate when the snow doesn’t lodge. When we don’t get a “Snow Day”.
I hate the ever-shortening attention spans of the populace, tik tok brain, life being reduced to 280 characters.

I hate that we are re writing history, neither Cleopatra nor Anne Boleyn were black, nor was Jesus snow white, can we just describe them accurately please and leave off the politics?!

I hate the skin tears you get at the base of your finger nails. You know the ones, those that pain you as you put your hand into your tighter than you would like jean pockets.

I hate how Weetabix is like cement stuck to the bowl if you are too lazy to wash the bowl the night before. A stitch in time springs to mind.

I hate being stuck behind slow traffic, a driving Miss Daisy, a tractor, a camper van... don’t get me started on cyclists.

Full disclosure I’m a lifelong cyclist so I am about to ridicule myself. Grown men should not wear Lycra. Men shaving their legs should be a criminal offence and getting caught behind a group of cyclists on a country road will test even the most chilled, progressive, do-gooder.

I hate how the cotton shirt is designed to remind you that you are putting on a few pounds. The third button down gains the ability to speak. It speaks in a language called “I’m under severe pressure here” and even mimics mouth movements.

I hate people who gloat in their disciplined, austere ways, considering that I am pure chaos..... you have your grape, I’ll have my taco, but I’ll eat you come the apocalypse.

I hate the way soceity increasingly pits man versus woman as if it has been an eternal battle, it’s so contrived, we are not and were never at war. We have always depended on each other and walked side by side. Don’t listen to the rabble who want to drive a wedge between us.

I hate that leather pants on men has not been made illegal. Can I also throw into the pot double denim, shell suits, shoulder pads and 80’s big hair. Ripped jeans probably needs to be banned too, now that I think of it.