cutting pages

The days are timeless again.

It is no longer only midnights that
hit me with a cold stab,
every second prolonged
like phlegm spit out.

I cannot stand reliving this
pain
I cannot stand
reliving nightmares I tried to bury
with reality
but this is reality
it always was.

I fall back into the lack
of self consciousness
where I forget it is weird when a girl
usually all smiles
dashes away to break down
because breaking down isn't her thing, really.

There are those who are willing to
keep me strong and  
those who keep me sane;
I wish I could allow myself to
get so weak I could lose
all my thought or sanity
so I didn't need to make sense of
the torture chamber proclaiming the place of
what I once called life.

Welcome to suicidal thoughts
and choked up tears. I cannot make life
disappear
so it is a life I have to learn
to grow immune to so it wouldn't
hurt as much when it eats me up.

I am building stronger walls again
this time 'round, it feels  
a lot thicker and much more
unbreakable, strong enough
to hurl back and crush me
if I lose control of this.

They watch me, trying to keep me
safe, telling me
things will change and I hope the day
doesn't come, when I won't be able
to see them anymore,  
when the walls get higher around me
and swallow me whole.