Just a ramble...

For the first time in my life, words can't even describe what I am feeling. I have hurt those closest to me, so many times that soon, they will no longer even be there. Sometimes, I just want to be alone, forever. So I will no longer hurt those around me. But then other times, I long so dearly for the tender touch, the sweet kiss of another being who can tear through my thick exterior. I've put up so many walls to keep others out, I don't even know who I am anymore. And, as I sit here on my bed holding the tool to my moment of sanity, I hesitate. I had made a promise. Even though the trust with him is broken, and my anger towards him rages just on the surface even more than ever, I still cannot bring myself to do it. Why? It's not like I care for him anymore.

Or maybe I do. Deep down.

Shit.

All I want is the precious silence that only it can bring, but he ruined that for me as well. Is there anything that's left untouched by his filthy hands? Every part of my life seems to revolve endlessly around him, and now, the one thing that was mine, is stripped away too. My words. When he met me, he decided he wanted to become a writer too. And now I stare blankly at the pieces he left on my computer, and they're GOOD. Maybe even better than mine.

Shitshitshit.

Because of him, I've hurt my family, because I thought he would become my only family. But I'm left in the swirling dust of him and his girlfriend. I hate her.

Not really.

It's not her fault, any more than it is mine. If anything, I feel pity for her, because she's still stuck in the perpetual pain that he causes, and the wake of destruction he leaves in his path. No. I don't miss that, not one bit. But, I let him into the deepest confines of my mind. Places where I am not even comfortable going. He's seen the worst of me, and now I am absolutely terrified of letting anyone else see the horrors I have seen.

When did the only good thing into my life turn into "just another horrible thing"?

When did my "wonderful relationship" turn into an abusive one?

When did I lose myself to, rape, abuse and torment?

When did I let these things control me?

When did I become nothing?

When did I lose everything?

When did I start hurting those around me to numb the pain inside me?