The Chocolate Connoisseur

The Chocolate Connoisseur
 
     “Father, I must confess, that I am quite ashamed at a few of the awful things that I have done for a fudge brownie...”  
     “It can’t be any worse than me getting drunk on sacramental wine after the mass.”
     “Oh my, but mine is certainly worse. During a TV ad for shall I say male enhancers I licked my ring finger while gradually letting it rise like a member of the church rising from the pew during the part where you say ‘and he ascended into heaven.’”
     “Were you channel surfing?”
     “Yes from the Catholic service to a program on spring break with all the goodies.”
     “And so who offered you this sacrilegious deal?”
     “Why my girlfriend, of course, she has no shame. She likes to gossip about such things and no doubt told her boyfriend.”
     “Did she give you the chocolate treat?”
     “She was true to her word. But this is just one instance of my depravity and by no means the worst.”
     “You must divulge your sins for absolution.”
     “I mixed holy water with pheromone perfume and wore it to a pickup bar to be blessed with lovemaking and to enhance my pleasure in the faith that by being anointed by Christ my dreams would come true.”
     “While some priest would see using holy water as an aphrodisiac as desecration I believe it is a consecration of the body as the temple of the Lord.”
     “Oh, you have taken a great weight of guilt off my shoulders. But if this were my only sacrilege I could find peace in my heart.”
     “Please, don’t let the devil stay your tongue. Unburden yourself for I am the intercessor of the Lord.”
     “Satan took hold of me one night with a grip so strong I felt helpless in his grasp. You see once I used my thumb to count the beads while I prayed the rosary as my fingers did the walking where the light doesn’t shine. I got frantic as I neared rapture with my tongue begging for forgiveness for the very same sin I was committing.”
     “I grant you absolution. Go in peace and sin no more.”
     “If only if were that simple father. Please exorcise the very same demon from me that drives my hands to do the devil’s work.”
     “Keep a stash of chocolate popsicles in the fridge. Every time you are tempted and resist let the ice cream bar be your reward.”
     “I can do almost anything for chocolate. This reverse psychology may just work.”
     “The Lord works in mysterious ways. You may also reward yourself for indulgence that doesn’t involve sacrilege.”
     “Can I have chocolate-covered frozen bananas if I am a good girl?”
     “I fear I have inspired your impure thoughts.”
     “Why fear me? Impurity and religiosity go hand in hand, pardon the pun.”