chipped tooth

chipped tooth

chapter 1. damages
around midnight i was eating a frozen mini Reese's cup
it was frozen solid so it took some effort to chew
suddenly it felt like i was juggling little pebbles around in my mouth
there must be something hard in the candy, i thought
an object that’s not supposed to be there
this could be grounds for a lawsuit
i was ready to sue their asses and make some big money
go on the run
quit my job and pursue my passions
they’re a big corporation, an easy target
faceless, soulless, leeches
corporations get sued for this shit all the time
here's why:
they’re supposed to have safety controls
the hard stuff in my Reese's cup could've hurt me
it could have been glass from the factory
or metal fragments from the candy-making machines
it could have had sharp edges
it could have cut or scraped my mouth, throat, or stomach on the way down
that cut could have become infected, septic
or it could have gotten stuck somewhere inside me
or it could have chipped my tooth if i bit down on it
i spit it out and found a hardened material that crumbled between my fingers

chapter 2. follow and feel
later, i noticed a strange sensation at the back of my tongue
it felt like there was something poking at my tongue
so naturally, i brushed my tongue up against it to see what it was
i can't really "see" in there, so i have to feel around instead
that's when it became obvious that i had chipped my tooth
i plunged my tongue into a deep, rugged crater
i couldn’t tell how bad it was
it wasn't painful. . . yet
until my imagination got ahold of it

chapter 3. prophecy
a few years of heavy drinking
killed parts of me
killed this tooth
last time i went to the dentist they warned me
the tooth was dying
they said they'd call me to follow up on a treatment plan
probably a root canal
they dig out the dead stuff
to make a place for other things that will also die
they never called

chapter 4. vice
tooth decay and gum disease are very common
among heavy drinkers
also, fatty livers
stomach ulcers
doubling over in the morning while choking down the first drink
hiding empty liquor bottles
puking, clearing the pulp to make room for more
scheming and making secret plans
the end is so near and so clear, and so welcome
it's hard to swallow
too soon to tell the truth
and yet, the pains and the aches are easier to accept
easier to endure

chapter 5. escapes and new beginnings
i quit drinking when my son was born, nearly four years ago
and now, after all that time, all that growth
i am still dying, from the inside out
i felt fully alive when i was drunk and drinking, like i was way up in the sky
felt like death was imminent, but it didn't really matter
i was already gone

chapter 6. human behavior
years of comprehensive self-care
my body still aches, bleeds, cracks
years of calculated, intentional self-love
it’s a spirit-breaking labor
to cover the dark stink of a lifetime of shame
i was born ashamed
and made to feel shame
it became my inner voice, my most honest friend
it knew me
and it felt good to be known

chapter 7. revelation
i envisioned a massive black hole where my tooth should be
i believed it could be filled with blood and black stuff
pus seeping from an infected pit
discoloration and discomfort
i fantasized a pain in the area
stepped into the bathroom, turned on the light, faced the mirror, opened my mouth
looked inside
what i saw was not shocking
only i was shocked to find that the tooth was still there
minus a corner
but it still looked how a tooth should look
no massive black hole
no blood
no black stuff
no oozing pus
just a chipped tooth

chapter 8. cherry waves
this body is broken in places
drain the nectar, scrape the sap away
i was riding a wave that was sending me head-first into the ground
covered in dirt
where i am headed anyway
where we all end up
buried
or burned
or, by some unnatural circumstances
by malice
in pieces
in the bellies of sea creatures
in a vat of acid
in some other way
we all arrive
no matter how it happens
we all end up nowhere in the end

chapter 9. neurotisphere
mother
we share a passionate and insurmountable wealth of self-hatred
we care for others
but we hate ourselves
she taught me the art of self-hatred
it's all she ever knew
it's all she ever got
and she still doesn't know how to respond to it
i hope she gets better

chapter 10. heavier things
it's time to go to bed
i have to go to the dentist first thing in the morning
can't believe i chipped my damn tooth
a part of me was lost
and i was stricken with a severe bout of self-awareness
a carefully hateful self-criticism
i must pay a price in the end
i did the crime, now to do the time
i abused myself and desired to be abused
felt like i deserved it
so i drank, and i drank some more
i drank and i sat in joy and ease
pissed all the poison out
my mouth was dry all the time, unless it was wet with liquor
or beer or wine
i rarely swallowed anything other than alcohol
except for an odd splash of water while rinsing my mouth out
or an occasional meal
my words became soaked
my truth became soaked
and I’m no Bukowski
my drunken utterances are violently pathetic and muddy
deadly, but it ain’t pretty and it ain’t poetic


chapter 11. tooth fairy
when teeth dry out, they erode
they rot
they grow weak and they crumble
they die
turn to dust
vanish
some people keep their teeth, try to preserve them
i always thought that was so strange
strange that sometimes we just can’t let go
when my wisdom teeth were pulled, they offered to let me keep them
i laughed at the offer and declined
what happens to all the rotten teeth
that dentists pull out of mouths?
do they end up in a landfill?


chapter 12. sweet dreams
2:27 AM
lying down in bed next to my wife
underneath a 400 thread count luxury sheet
and a weighted blanket
everything is heavier than it should be
i won’t get enough sleep
i feel so dirty
there is decay inside of me
a rotten tooth in my head
when the rest of the tooth comes out there could be a massive black hole
blood and black stuff
septic pus
another piece of me will be gone
i will throw it in the trash and it will go to a landfill
one step closer to the dirt
lost forever among mounds of humanity’s filth
one more part of me will end up nowhere
and I’ve never felt so left out, so fractured, so powerless
as i did the night i chipped my tooth.