Notice

At a young age, we start to notice numbers
how they grew but descend as well
I however, grew to notice the numbers on the scale
How they would go up or down
Depending if i felt brave enough to have an extra bite

As I grew, so did the numbers on that scale
My enemy wasn’t anyone else
But the very reflection that had shown me
Pulling fat that doesn’t exist
The crying the wishing to see something else
Anything or anyone

Notice the mirror’s endless lies
help reach that number
Or notice how apple cider vinegar turns to be an escape
Having the dry taste burn the back of your throat
Mixed in with cold water on an empty stomach
Trickle down where the hunger you once had disappeared
To be cold in a warm room
Notice how you can look at yourself in the mirror, but only feel shame

If you are not recovering, you are dying
It is said “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin
with, you go to the hospital,
But if you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with,
You are a success story”

My best friend since 1st grade
How we survive for each other
Walk through hunger together
She is like a one way ticket to the hospital
As I am a success story
Ying and yang, but with gray thick
 line of understanding
We hang on together

Notice constant reminders to swallow
Telling yourself “stop chewing by the 32nd chew”
Notice the phrase
“You Are healthy and I accept you”
Linger and grow
Not as much as the hunger though
But just like how the numbers
you want descending of both

Notice reaching out for help is hard, but not as hard as
Expressing and accepting not a success story but a sickness
Accepting ones fear is like a bullet straight through hell
You don’t know what will happen

Notice how the tape measure wraps around my waist
Like a serpent
Only to hear slithering
how Eve was manipulated to eat that magic fruit
I am manipulated not to eat

Notice if you never heard of “fend for yourself for dinner”
My green eyes glow with envy
Hearing that phrase more than I hear “dinner is ready”
Rings in my ears feels like the thick root of the problem:
 not eating
Me “fending” for myself is just saying I'm not hungry.

I noticed in the beginning
Just like I tend to avoid others, in the process of avoiding myself
I avoided food
“Oh I’m not hungry”
“I’m not hungry”
“I’m not hungry”
Those endless lies are like a shovel
As the “I’m not hungry” digs deeper
This hole I can’t seem to escape

Notice screaming 6 feet below
Only to be heard by rumbling in a silent room
Only to be bounded by the tape measure
 Serpent’s tight embrace
One habit to be known
But now observe the stopping of calculations
Finding more comfort food
Still hesitant

I notice the fact I am sick and not an success story
I won’t always have the comfort of that serpent
But if it means getting out of 6ft of hunger
Then I won't notice that number.