You Foolish Servant You

What's the point of calling you Master if I can't access you when I need you?
If I have to always remind you of your responsibility to me as my owner  
then I'm depending on you for no logical reason.  
Yes you collared me and yes you chose me but was it all for show? Some midlife crisis?  
Just to be able to tell the world that you own a slave?  
Did you ever intend on aiding me in my healing at all?  
Or helping me to become the best version of myself so that I could be able to serve you better?  
Did you forget that the only reason that women like me even require a master in the first place is because of our trauma, instability, poor discernment, arrested development?    
Or were you too blinded by your lust and selfishness to care?    
And I'm supposed to believe that you love me?  
When I come home I'm home alone.    
And you're always too busy. Imagine that. I have to schedule an appointment for the person I surrender my free will over too lol
Do you remember about the countless of conversations about the neglect and abuse I've been subjected to by humans my entire life.    
You only fed the narrative that I'm not worthy. That I'll never deserve love the way that I love no matter how much sacrifice or incentive I give people.  
Should I stop seeking out dynamics where I expect love to be the outcome?  
Perhaps chattel slavery is the only form of slavery that can be successful.    
Didn't you promise to be the exception?  
You said you were different right?    
Why would I go above and beyond by any means necessary to prove my loyalty and dedication to you only to still be fucked up under you care?  
Sometimes I hate being me.  
Needing so desperately to serve that it's the only therapy that works and apart from it I'm devastated. Again. How convenient. That once more I have nothing to show for my initiative or willingness or hopefulness. You're the one that said you were a Master. Where you informing me or trying to convince yourself? Because when I believed you I saw no evidence of that. Other than your dramatic declaration.    
Why am I even sorry or even crying from the guilt of withdrawing from you to protect myself from more unnecessary trauma. It's not worth it.    
Don't you realize that you don't have to hurt me to be superior? The pain should only be a reward not a punishment.
I'm way too codependent for this inconsistency and indecisiveness.
There's nothing alpha about passivity or procrastination. How can I trust that? I'm never a forethought unless it involves your dick.