deepundergroundpoetry.com
My enemy will come to his demise
The time is ticking
severely, slipping
weed his favourite herb
but he's a nothing for spending,
time for me to put on a masquerade
Trap him with the herb ,
and visit my seclusion, then with
it in turn
feed him his own skin
then finish it with a deep
hacking
without mercy
without regrets,
de-capitate
make him headless.
My enemy , now has met
his demise , over .
severely, slipping
weed his favourite herb
but he's a nothing for spending,
time for me to put on a masquerade
Trap him with the herb ,
and visit my seclusion, then with
it in turn
feed him his own skin
then finish it with a deep
hacking
without mercy
without regrets,
de-capitate
make him headless.
My enemy , now has met
his demise , over .
Published 28th Mar 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 672
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
28th Mar 2012 5:41am
Good piece overall. The theme is a little shaky though. Good thing this piece was short, because I had to reread it a few times just to get it...What could make this piece better? Maybe some more descriptive words. Perhaps describe the manner of torture/murder a tad bit more...
28th Mar 2012 10:03am
Thank you for the feedback, and for pointing out a few things I should improve on. Much appreciated.
28th Mar 2012 11:02am
going from him consuming "his own skin" to "deep hacking" has me a bit lost. The de-capitation was an interesting turn as I was guessing the herb would be laced with poison!
Anonymous
21st Sep 2012 9:50pm
I get this, nice revenge poem for someone who has made you a bit angry. Dope him up then have your way with him before he knows what happened. Am I right? :)
Anonymous
6th Oct 2012 9:09am
Hey Welcome to DU.
I enjoyed this as a first write, I felt it was a edgy and different and those are allways good attributes.
In terms of the honest critique you were looking for, I think its in the punctuation that I can help you a little... study the places where you have used the commas and think about it carefully.
When you put these in the wrong places it changes the meaning of your words, sometimes its better to leave them out than to force them in there.
An example...
"but he's a nothing for spending,
time for me to put on a masquerade"
or
"but he's a nothing for
spending time
to put on a masquerade"
All in all though, keep writing because if this is the start, DU is in for some good stuff in the future.
Best to you mate
ke a leboha
Al.
I enjoyed this as a first write, I felt it was a edgy and different and those are allways good attributes.
In terms of the honest critique you were looking for, I think its in the punctuation that I can help you a little... study the places where you have used the commas and think about it carefully.
When you put these in the wrong places it changes the meaning of your words, sometimes its better to leave them out than to force them in there.
An example...
"but he's a nothing for spending,
time for me to put on a masquerade"
or
"but he's a nothing for
spending time
to put on a masquerade"
All in all though, keep writing because if this is the start, DU is in for some good stuff in the future.
Best to you mate
ke a leboha
Al.
3rd Jan 2013 8:25pm
Decide what you want, and go for it.
Honey-trap with weed instead of a ladies thighs. Good write!
Honey-trap with weed instead of a ladies thighs. Good write!
