Love is an endless ordeal.

 Title from another poem of mine.
Inspired by my good friend Nick Ford's poetry.

***
I can't stop remembering the hallway hug.
the fuzzyness of your Jammies.
a present delivered to my concern to lay to rest my thoughts
as I settle for sleep.
the slenderness of your body as my size enclosed you.
most recent time I've felt masculine and virile.

The world was faultless then,without blame.
Where it all went from there,
It's all a shame.

Metaphorically,I was stripped naked next to you
and nothing I said shook your core
you took it all in well
and wanted to know more.

Led MYSELF astray by what occurred in the station
I fell upon the sword of fancy
daydreams with stings in their tail.
It's not fair this whole damn civilization.

Hung and draw
my entrails like scrabble pieces
what hurts the most is it was more than physical attraction.
It was intellectual connection.
You had the retort to my wit
the willingness to put up with my weird shit.
The only girl since her, to take it over the hill
listen to me go on about poetry and philosophy
-the latter you study at University.

I rubbed your hands at Winchester Station
£17.30 railcard soggy in my mouth.
you rested your head on my shoulder.
I had new hope.
I fought through a tough monday
feelin' it was worth it for you
then you dropped the horrible news
this flirt with Fantasy was through..

Just friends, probably always will be
those words just kill me.
Haunt me.Taunt me.

I tried walks,conversations,poems,songs,cake,screams..the whole shibang
to squeeze you from my every cell,
push you out my pores

-may my affection for you bother me no more.

Wish there was someone to turn to.
Tempted to hop on a train for god knows where
anywhere but here....

wish I could draw a line under it


-----------------------
I'm in a new headspace since I wrote those things
It's not your fault I put you on the Pedestal
as the one to watch and work for still.
I fooled myself from flickers of phrases you typed
and misguidedly in imagining myself with you,I got over psyched.
But I've seen the error of my ways and livin differently,enjoying springlife rays.
Can't spent my life labouring for the philosophers stone or the fountain of youth
when I don't have a chance in hell and I'm all out of proof.
I remind myself somethings don't work out and point by point,I come up with a case
for why it maybe wouldn't've worked
and instead we both might've got hurt.

You're still one of the best
but I can't live my life with my eyes only on the road and ignore the rest.
Can't be on hold for a dream to be born and birthed into a reality
Gotta live my life and just wait and see.

You inspired me to write this:-

" Just live day to day
I got no long term plans
and I like it that way.
figuring out things as I go along
-Life as adventure-
had plenty ones that went wrong.

I've made this
with all it's glory and piss
like the artist at his craft
the scene is still being sketched
no end to the rebuilding of the raft."

It's easier to write than live it.