I Know; The Answers That Never Get Questioned

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I know that I'm wrong and I know what I did wrong but I just didn't get it at the time.
I don't care that you're right, I'm not jealous or petty of knowledge, I'm just fucking pissed that I don't get it.
I'm sorry.
I know children are sponges but why can't I be one too?
I know that the universe is full of knowledge but why can't I learn some too?
I know that there are billions of books to read but why can't I read one page?
I know humans have an innate need to interact and communicate but why can't I do so without feeling awkward? Or weird? Or strange? Or ostracized? Or messed up? Or alone?
Why? I know the basics but why won't you let me learn? Why? Why?
I really want to but you won't let me! I want to know more...I need to know more but you won't let me.
Get your stuff together and let me learn. Let me live like a normal person.
Why?
I know I cry every day because I'm not good enough, but
Why?
I know I sit at home and look at what I'm supposed to know and think "...", but
Why?
I know I don't walk but I trudge slowly down the street, but
Why?
I know mind is a battle field, much like the heart, but
Why?
I know I just want everything to be over, but
Why?
I know I've tried twice before and swore never to try again, but
Why?
I know my shadow limps behind me, but
Why?
I know,
I know,
I know,
but
Why?
Why? I know life sucks and then you die, but
Why? I know life is meant to be rough, but
Why? I know life is hard, but
WHY?!?
I'm done.
I wish I could fix myself. I wish that anything would change.
I wish I didn't have depression.
I wish I didn't have anxiety.
I wish that I could do anything with real confidence. I wonder what that feels like, real confidence; the idea that you could do anything. I've never had confidence, just false pretense. I don't know what it would feel like.
I wish I could fix my broken mind.
I wish my mind wasn't so fucked up all the time.
I wish my soul wasn't so broken.
I hate myself, inside and out.
I never get better. I never improve.
My mind sits still and never is fixed.
I wish.
I know I'm wrong, that I really don't wish anything. I don't even need to ask why on this one because it's not worth it. I know that a wish kills the soul and that is why I'm wrong.
But I'm always wrong. I never get the chance to be right.
If I wish, I get let down.
If I wish, I never complete anything.
If I wish, I fail.
I Fail!
I know today isn't my day! But tomorrow sure as hell isn't my day either.
I know yesterday wasn't my day; but forget that, because I don't want to remember it.
Nostalgia feels like a cold-cock from the concrete I used to WISH I could visit on a daily basis.
Memories are small puncture wounds from severed strings on the world's smallest violin.
Looking to the future is as simpleton as waiting for your fate to be delivered by god.
It's not attainable. It's not logical. It's not achievable. It's not a thing that exists so how am I going to know what to do,
I don't care any more.
I really don't.
Call me what you will.
Everything will cut me just as deep as it did before, I won't tell you that I have tougher skin now cuz that's bullshit.
The scars may be showing but the fresh wounds from today's battles are still bleeding.
My mind's thoughts are bullshit.
The ooze out of my mouth only to prove how stupid I truly am.
Everything is wrong. I don't know what really matters now because it all looks awful.
Thank you, but leave.
Why would I write this? Because I wish I had the confidence to say this in real life but I know that's wrong.