Diary Entry

Peace seems so rare anymore. It occurs in small bursts and only after long, senseless arguments. It is brief, but sustaining until the tension builds and we are at each others throats again.

At times, I dare not speak for fear of bursting the fragile bubble of our Peace. I walk on eggshells in my own home that isn’t really my home. I am ever aware of the precarious state I am in; say nothing, do nothing to provoke your rage. Say nothing, do nothing that will get me yelled at again.

I fear to answer the simplest of questions because I have lost my voice. I don’t have an opinion because there is no right opinion to have. There is no opinion that will garner respect or pride from you, no answer that I can give to make your problems go away.

I cannot make your life easier, so I shrink myself. If nothing else, I can be one less problem for you to have to deal with. Anything to keep the peace.

I sometimes wonder if your life would be better without me in it. I think I would be happier if you weren’t in my life 24/7. I think if you and I took some time apart – a year, maybe two – we could work our way back to being friends. As it stands, we’re too codependent on each other. We rely on each other for too many roles.