Just lost

I've said the story one to many times before
I've been down,
I've been as long as anybody can ever go,
And maybe of my own making
I've been through hell...

The walls felt they were crumbling down,
I've suffocated,
I've suffered
And I've been depressed...

Yet through all these years I just wanted to make it to a better day,
To see myself free
From the nose around my neck.
So I endured,
I had something to look forward to,
I had a war that needed to be won.

And surely by miracle or grace
Hard work or perseverance
Good luck or chance,
I pulled through.

I managed to get through,
Faced all my demons
Fought them off one by one
And the battle was one.

And I thought I'd be happy
I thought I'd find joy
And a white picket fence
Showed with a happy ever after.

But it wasn't to be,
I have nothing to look forward to,
Everyday just passes me by.
I don't know which is worse
I've lost all meaning,
I've lost all magic.

A part of me wish I could just relapse,
Fall under again,
The crushing weight,
The emotional turmoil
Sometimes it all feels better than this nothing I've been carrying around

I have nothing much to look forward,
No demon to slay,
No war to fight
I'm really just lost