insecurity

insecurity is checking if he’s read my message every 5 minutes like clockwork
insecurity is constantly assuming that I’m everyone’s last pick
insecurity is altering my personality for every person, so I’m not too much to swallow
insecurity is taking the same picture seven times because I can’t stand my face

its craving attention but being too much of a pussy to demand it
its changing my outfit five times before I go out and still being unsure
its pretending I’m comfortable even in the worst places because I can’t stand to make a fuss
its hating dating but keeping a tinder because I need the validation of strangers
its faking a smile when I’m falling apart because I don’t want to be a ‘mess’
its justifying my sexual appetite because no one wants a ‘whore’

its scrubbing my nails clean because the filth of my work is unfeminine
its brushing my teeth over and over again because they still look stained
its picking at every blemish until it bleeds because pretty girls don’t have pimples
and then wearing long sleeves and makeup to cover the scabs

its exclusively dating down so I don’t have to constantly feel unworthy
and still checking his facebook like a compulsion because the girl who likes all his photos is so much prettier
so much cuter
so much skinnier
so delicate
so
everything I’m not

its the little voice in my ear that whispers my every flaw
over and over and over

its the awful sensation of an unexpected fall
when your heart hits your throat
your eyes water
and the whole world feels like its rushing up at you