2008

An Honest one is I
 
***
I felt the worse kind of loneliness I've ever known.
I once ran through my mobile looking at numbers of people I could phone.
Desperate to be comforted by a voice,
Please pick up and answer.
Not getting a reply felt metaphorical of my alienation from people
connections were like a shallow pond and I only skating around the ice covered surface.
I threw my weight behind empty distraction but it could never last for long.
Crushing boulder of boredom.Heavy burdens.
 
I scribbled hate and anger into a notepad,
cried about the unjust world which robbed me of my dad.
I wallowed in a dank pit of self pity, desolate and despair.
I screamed till my throat hurt and walked for more reason than to get fresh air.
When your in that place you can't look outside
you can't judge with time and distance the value of the ride.
 
I was not worthwhile.I was vile.Human bile.Sludge,slime.A stain on time.
No job, distant girlfriend,family who pushed me away.Wasn't wanted to stay.
It felt to be building to a climax
one way or another,I had to leave the sparse tangled branches of this tree
this life which was drowning me.
 
Alcohol was no relief,
I had a few and then sank in my chair in grief
grieving for what was,wasn't and what could never be.
The Social atmosphere reminded me of my emotional distance from the rest of humanity.
 
The crushing guilt of jobcentre stigmata
I can't remember whether I was pricked by sadness or piped with joy
when I saw on that wall  ,
 noble poem Desiderata.
 
People tried to do all they could do
but it wasn't getting through
the signal was blocked,  
the doors were locked,
curtains drawn,
no one's home.
 
I think I nearly went Insane on Princes Street,
the world felt unreal and I could barely look up from my feet.
That was when I lost you, Miss Q
I just didn't know what I would do.
The idea of me finding love again seemed impossible
so I'd walk the dog without a hope in hell I'd ever be happy again.
my head started to show signs of what was going on in my brain.
I'm not even sure if you understand what you did wrong
which one of us is the idiot though,when I'm still speaking to you
,nearly 4 years on!
 
 
I annoyed myself by repeating the same old phrases and patterns
Still somehow I've forgotten them now.
I think they were along the lines of :
I hate how I look.I am ugly.
I am worthless.I will never amount to anything.
I am unlovable.
I am too flawed.
Unwanted and undeserving of anything or anyone.
I am zero.
I am No one and Nothing.
 
A nihilistic joke, jobless and broke.
Spent all my money on being social.
Except made me realize all I didn't have.And it just made me angry and sad.
For all the travelling,I never found myself around there.
Just same old lack of care.
 
I hung out with a girl who didn't seem to mind
that we have only known each other a short space of time.
It was nothing more than friends when we went to the cinema.
She invited me to her house.Tore me apart on Msn when I could've used her the most.
 
They fired me from wiping up shit
because my " dress and appearance was inadequate".
I didn't give a fuck.I was already all out of luck. My only awkwardness was saying bye,
to a guy I had worked with knowing I'd not see him again.
During that period I had more success finding jobs than I've ever had before or since then.
The monotony of living in a home
with people not often in, so me alone.
 
a Indian girl I had just met that day, told me I had a kind heart
and  slowly, all the deep bullshit I was swimming in  broke apart
and I hammered those shattered fragments of self in a forge like Vulcan
Walking in the summer sunlight, done with fucking bellyachin' and the sulkin'.
 
..Somehow I just dusted myself off over a very short time.
brushed off whatever ,whatever all that was fixed in my mind.
Opened the box and found a new optimism.
Met a girl and hurried into the future.
The I-ching advised me on beauty and hope.
Tao Te Ching taught me everything I needed
 to work my way out the smoke.