darkness breeds creativity

I can never tell when someone is joking      
Especially if I haven't known them for long      
Or if we don’t hang out a lot      
It’s especially hard to know when they’re poking fun over the phone      
If I can’t see their faces how will I ever know if they’re being serious or not?      
      
I use the word stupid a lot      
Maybe I'm just self projecting?      
Maybe I'm not?      
     
Stupid isn’t the only word I would use to describe myself      
But it also wouldn’t be the word I would think of last      
Flamboyant, bubbly, depressed      
A complete and utter mess…      
Is what I would say describes me the best      
A whirlwind of emotions bottled up      
And you would never know because I'm always deceivingly dolled up      
      
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I live in a black and white film      
A colorless world is all I see      
Beautiful sadness is what my life is      
And even though I am so depressed and self-deprecating      
I'm still positively glowing, radiating      
I'm fucking incandescent      
I'm bursting at the seams equal parts from beauty and pain      
But the thing is I don’t want to live if I’m going to be living in vain      
       
Sometimes when I'm with my friends I feel like an accessory      
An eye-catching statement piece      
I am the keychain to a purse      
I am the worst      
     
Most of the time I'm not even good      
I don't know why anybody hangs out with me      
They just use me as their centerpiece      
     
I'm always the one seeking attention      
And I always manage to get it      
That is...when my legs are bare      
Or when my chest is out for them to gawk and stare at      
     
I have to be so very loud and move around so much to catch people's attention  
I can never sit around because then they’ll forget me      
Or even worse      
Then they’ll know…      
     
They’ll know that something is wrong with me      
And that I am not as happy as I seem      
That I'm not bursting with joy and glee      
But instead with sadness and stupidity      
     
I'm not afraid of being seen      
Nevertheless, I don't want to be read like an open book      
Because all they will see is my pain and my dread      
And how I loathe existing      
And how loud the voices in my head scream      
     
Because god forbid anyone ever saw me sick      
Sick and twisted as I am      
With my mind in such turmoil that I can’t even sleep at night      
     
My mind likes to play tricks on me      
Unfortunately, it has so many evil tricks up its sleeve
From piercing, nonexistent echoes of gunshots making my ears bleed      
To shadow people choking me in my sheets      
     
I hate how my paranoias make me feel so weak      
But I can’t help the fact that my chest aches so badly that I can barely breathe      
I hate, absolutely hate the shapes that assault my eyes at night      
These shadows are so vague, yet they scare me so bad      
     
There are nights when I wake up screaming in agony      
Crying for my mom because that’s how bloody scared I am      
I get so paranoid that I can barely keep my eyes closed for five seconds      
     
I keep them open for most of the night and still, I see so much wild shit      
Closing them doesn’t help one bit      
When I can’t see anything the anticipation is killing me      
Because what if someone or something comes?
What if it gauges my eyes out?      
Very unlikely but still...      
     
And why does my heart hurt?      
That shouldn’t be medically possible      
Yet here I am gripping my chest      
Clinging to my shirt as if that will do me any good      

But don't let me be misunderstood      
Being like this isn't the worst      
You can always turn your despair into something deliciously dark and beautiful      
So entrancing people won't even care what's wrong with your mind      
They'll just stare at your work and soak up your words      
The poems you write will feel like dark chocolate melting on a tongue