deepundergroundpoetry.com
Grew Up on the Bayou
Grew up on the bayou
Floods sometimes
Overturns pianos
Leaves children books soggy
Watermarks above head, stained on walls
In the nostrils, smell of stale salt water lingers
Floods sometimes
Overturns pianos
Leaves children books soggy
Watermarks above head, stained on walls
In the nostrils, smell of stale salt water lingers
Published 5th Mar 2012
| Edited 16th Mar 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Mar 2012 3:36pm
I like it, short but paints an image.
something about the last two lines didn't sit right.
i'ts as if you changed styles or something.
most notably the last line.
that said, It's powerful enough.
fair play, shine on!
something about the last two lines didn't sit right.
i'ts as if you changed styles or something.
most notably the last line.
that said, It's powerful enough.
fair play, shine on!
11th Mar 2012 3:53pm
11th Mar 2012 4:10pm
ah, ok i am sorry . i'll try to explain my thinking behind it.
lines 1 to 4 are in a certain fashion.
and lines 5 and six are in a different fashion
they can be read from either side of the comma first.
Watermarks above head, stained on walls
In the nostrils, smell of stale salt water
(smell of stale salt water, in the nostrils)
at first i had to check myself reading it, but that's a good thing.i find nothing wrong with it really, just acknowledging that it's there.
sorry for the confusion. :)
lines 1 to 4 are in a certain fashion.
and lines 5 and six are in a different fashion
they can be read from either side of the comma first.
Watermarks above head, stained on walls
In the nostrils, smell of stale salt water
(smell of stale salt water, in the nostrils)
at first i had to check myself reading it, but that's a good thing.i find nothing wrong with it really, just acknowledging that it's there.
sorry for the confusion. :)
11th Mar 2012 6:40pm
No problem! I always appreciate feedback and I just wanted to clarify what u meant.
