deepundergroundpoetry.com
Remember: Without Your Mantra, You Can Only Whimper
We collected spit upon withered lips
Pulled from parched tongues
Stripped of pith
As one, we hoarsely whispered homespun hymns
To a ponderous dust
That did not lift
Clasping countless clammy psalms
We formed a rough-hewn fretwork
Of hollow heads and leaden arms
And arid mouths that spewed
Spoiled clumps of words
Our jaundiced eyes were flecked with amber
As if the sun, amidst the lifelessness of winter
Had gently answered
The prayers we fruitlessly murmured
We let it be an emblem of liberation
Enveloped in our iterations
We let it be an emblem of liberation
Enveloped in our iterations
We it be an of emblem let liberation
Enveloped our iterations in
It an be emblem we of liberation let
In iterations our enveloped
Of we emblem
Iterations
Pulled from parched tongues
Stripped of pith
As one, we hoarsely whispered homespun hymns
To a ponderous dust
That did not lift
Clasping countless clammy psalms
We formed a rough-hewn fretwork
Of hollow heads and leaden arms
And arid mouths that spewed
Spoiled clumps of words
Our jaundiced eyes were flecked with amber
As if the sun, amidst the lifelessness of winter
Had gently answered
The prayers we fruitlessly murmured
We let it be an emblem of liberation
Enveloped in our iterations
We let it be an emblem of liberation
Enveloped in our iterations
We it be an of emblem let liberation
Enveloped our iterations in
It an be emblem we of liberation let
In iterations our enveloped
Of we emblem
Iterations
Published 28th Oct 2021
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likes 2
reading list entries 2
comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Oct 2021 3:11am
Honest critique? It was truly fantastic until the last part, where you went away from the build you had going. It's your write, I understand. But reading it, as an audience, it threw me completely off at the last part. It takes away so much from the true quality that you had going. And it also leaves me wondering why you did that. What was the motivation?
Thank you for your feedback! I see what you mean and I appreciate your honesty. :-)
The main idea behind this section was the deterioration of language and the loss of its value/ability to communicate meaning and truly connect with both others and the self, sparked by cycles of repetition and almost an ’religious’ subscription to ideologies/rituals that create an illusion of autonomy, coherence, direction, hope, and purpose. I guess it was a structural representation of decline and disjointedness, meant to stick out unpleasantly. I wrote this poem on the fly, so it maybe it didn’t have the effect I imagined it to have in the moment.
I’m glad you took the time to read my writing. Your suggestion was thoughtful.
The main idea behind this section was the deterioration of language and the loss of its value/ability to communicate meaning and truly connect with both others and the self, sparked by cycles of repetition and almost an ’religious’ subscription to ideologies/rituals that create an illusion of autonomy, coherence, direction, hope, and purpose. I guess it was a structural representation of decline and disjointedness, meant to stick out unpleasantly. I wrote this poem on the fly, so it maybe it didn’t have the effect I imagined it to have in the moment.
I’m glad you took the time to read my writing. Your suggestion was thoughtful.
28th Oct 2021 4:20am
Welcome to DU blaberidae.
well done.
the complexity of the last part
when one looks at the title of the poem
and your literal iterations
with so many interpretations
speaks volumes of the depth of this work.
job.
well done.
the complexity of the last part
when one looks at the title of the poem
and your literal iterations
with so many interpretations
speaks volumes of the depth of this work.
job.
28th Oct 2021 6:33am
26th Jan 2025 3:54am
As my words ramble and stray all over the page I'm not one to critical at critiques. You definitely play well with word and phrase wherever that may lead. Good job.🌼
