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Into My Mind 3

This ADHD mind of mine I would never trade
Even though this ADHD mind of mine drives me to madness
My tears fall without a reason
Mad or sad, joyous or anxious
My emotions are wheels in motion
Sometimes cruising with broken breaks.
At the same time, I am
Paralyzed by a dysphoric sensitivity to rejection
My body slips easily into a reaction of survival
Mistakeningly making a loss of love, respect, or approval
Into something altogether fictionally more terrible.

Would love to ask the pretty lass I met in class
Out for a date at last,
But alas, my body's expectation of rejection
Makes me hesitate, increases heart rate, my hands perspire
Dysregulation of emotion conspires
To freeze my motivation.

So, here I am, sitting in my room
Fingers cover the keyboard on my phone
Tap, tap, click, click, delete, delete
Ten times over. Over and over.
Wait and hesitate, hesitate and wait
Deep breath, five seconds, six words
Hit send, time to sit and wait.
Each second that passes,
A mental dialogue chimes with a terrible monolog:
Minute one: "Where should I take her for our first date?"
Minute one: "Oh, it's Monday, she's probably in class."
Minute five: "Why did I wait so long?"
Minute ten: "I thought she liked me, why is she not replying?"
Minute fifteen: "Well, that's what I get for trying."

This ADHD mind of mine drives me to madness,
But this ADHD mind of mine I would never trade.

Please do not take this as some form of depression
Or get the wrong impression.
Yes, it is true I often expect rejection,
But it's only because this ADHD mind of mine
Struggles to regulate my emotions.
But with further inspection you will find
That my emotions are never in question.
Got a cool story about doing something great?
My elation is no secret, let's celebrate!
Need a safe ear to listen to your fears?
Come on over, ain't no judgement 'round here!
Are ya happy and want a person that's bubbly?
Yup, look no further!

But still, this ADHD mind of mine drives me to madness
My tears fall without a reason
Mad or sad, joyous or anxious
My emotions are wheels in motion
Sometimes cruising with broken breaks.
At the same time, I am
Paralyzed by a dysphoric sensitivity to rejection
My body slips easily into a reaction of survival
Mistakeningly making a loss of love, respect, or approval
Into something altogether fictionally more terrible.

This phenomenon of
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Seems to have ADHD exclusivity
Dealing feelings wildly amongst the world-wide tribe
I trudge along side.
Describing my dysregulation can dysragulate my emotions
Though through recognition, response, reflection, and reframing
It is possible to dampen what may happen
Easier said than done I know,
(Trust me, I KNOW)
But at no point do I ever wish to disappoint.
Pros and cons weighed in equal understanding
Caring and enthusiastic, passionate and resilient,
Expressive and sensitive.
Taking the good with the bad is a sentiment I've come to fully understand
Because this RSD is a part of me
Just like this mind of mine
That has ADHD
I just thought you should know!
Pho3nix19xx
Written by Pho3nix19xx
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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