deepundergroundpoetry.com
Pagan
We fall in many bodies, many times.
Outside the Christian faith, the tower chimes
our deaths, but also our rebirths.
We do not sing dirges,
nor proceed in black garments, cross
the squares or streets with gold aloft.
As graveyards gather damp and moss.
We sing to dance, we laugh, we croft...
We share and love our bodies like
they weren't just an old man's mistake.
As if the rotten dike of time
must be observed always, to never slake
a human heart. Which is,
when all's been said, a reddish blade of grass.
Outside the Christian faith, the tower chimes
our deaths, but also our rebirths.
We do not sing dirges,
nor proceed in black garments, cross
the squares or streets with gold aloft.
As graveyards gather damp and moss.
We sing to dance, we laugh, we croft...
We share and love our bodies like
they weren't just an old man's mistake.
As if the rotten dike of time
must be observed always, to never slake
a human heart. Which is,
when all's been said, a reddish blade of grass.
Published 4th Oct 2021
| Edited 18th Apr 2022
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The author encourages honest critique.
4th Oct 2021 7:13pm
you're very talented
it is insulting to the artist
to say I don't like what you did here...
say for instance when we put ourselves down...
we are much more by design so intricate...
I enjoyed this write...
it is insulting to the artist
to say I don't like what you did here...
say for instance when we put ourselves down...
we are much more by design so intricate...
I enjoyed this write...
5th Oct 2021 3:27pm
While I think you've created some great imagery here, I'm not exactly sure that this is a sonnet. Though, I guess I could be wrong.
Most sonnets follow a strict meter and rhyme scheme. Modern sonnets sometimes throw meter and rhyme to the wind. You start out in iambic pentameter for those first two lines and then switch up to iambic tetrameter. Then a different metered line. Then you hang out in tetrameter land for a bit, but throw the rhythm around just when i get settled. And then end back on a line of iambic pentameter.
So, sonnet or not, I think you might benefit from thinking about the meter and saying things out loud.
Again, sonnet or not, I like this. It's an interesting look at life outside the church.
Most sonnets follow a strict meter and rhyme scheme. Modern sonnets sometimes throw meter and rhyme to the wind. You start out in iambic pentameter for those first two lines and then switch up to iambic tetrameter. Then a different metered line. Then you hang out in tetrameter land for a bit, but throw the rhythm around just when i get settled. And then end back on a line of iambic pentameter.
So, sonnet or not, I think you might benefit from thinking about the meter and saying things out loud.
Again, sonnet or not, I like this. It's an interesting look at life outside the church.
Anonymous
- Edited 18th Nov 2021 8:45pm
6th Oct 2021 9:50am
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