dermatillomaniac

rip, tear
want to peel off my skin
i swear
just peel it away and it'll be new again

only it never is, it just makes it worse
pinpricks of blood and scabs in their
well-rehearsed cycle of
building up and being
torn down again.

they try so hard, my cells and my blood
but my nails and my mind destroy them.
I try to outwit them and clip my nails,
but that only makes the mania worse;

every imperfection glares as if neon-lit,
and my useless hacked-off nails and nicked cuticle beds
sweep back and forth over the braille
that spells out my failure

and i feel ugly
and wonder how anyone could bear
to touch me

and i feel sick
like a freak, like if this behavior was in a dog
it'd be put down

and i feel afraid
that i can never heal, that i don't want to heal
that this is too much a part of me

it's my parasite, my kryptonite
my pink fucking elephant that everyone sees
and no one dares say anything about.

and still the itch crawls beneath my skin
compelling me to pick again...