Why?

I can’t stand it anymore,
Everything hurts.
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I care?

I want to just go on with my life,
But I’m stuck.
I can’t do it myself.
I feel so lost and alone.
I am confused.
What do I do?

I wish the pain would just stop!
Sometimes it is hard to breathe,
I don’t want to live.
I am not afraid to die.
So then why am I still here?
What holds me together?
I am afraid of life but also of afterlife.
How long must I endure this world with pain and suffering and sadness?
How much longer can I survive?
I must try!
I must try to hold onto the goodness in life,
Though that seems to be hard to find.

I just want it to all end.
I imagine heaven and long to be there;
I long for eternal peace and happiness.
Why can’t I go now? Why must I wait?
If I am loved, then why can I not go just to be near Him sooner?
Will I ever love life and not long for death?

Of course there are a few good reasons to hold onto life and not give up:
I have family that loves me and I love them.
But I still feel lost and alone.
I don’t want them to know.
I don’t think they’d understand.
I don’t want to hurt them.
It’s not that they are not enough,
But I don’t feel that I am enough.

I want to cry but I can’t!
As much as I try, no tears seem to appear.
Sometimes I try to harden my heart so that it does not have to hurt,
But just as I think it is going to be ok,
Something sneaks its way in to stab and twist and turn the pieces that were mending themselves.

I fight with myself,
As though I have those two other voices, both telling me something different.
I imagine flicking one away that makes life more difficult and complicated,
But it seems to find its way back.

I am afraid.
I hate myself for feeling the way I do.
I am sad and I don’t know how to stop.
Why can’t I love life?
Why can’t I be happy?
When I am, it does not last for very long.
Bad things keep playing in my head over and over and I can’t get them to stop.
They torture me with my bad decisions I have made and words I have said.
I can’t take them back,
It’s too late now.
I have to live with my choices,
Though I wish that I could go live in a fantasy fiction world.

I hate the real world.
It is so cruel and mean and seems to turn against me no matter how hard I try.
Why can’t I win this battle?
No, not only win this battle but the war that is constantly being fought inside of me?
It seems it would be so much easier to admit defeat and surrender.
I want to give up.
I want to go home!
Please take me home!
I’m tired.
I don’t want to go on anymore.