deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost
Appealing to a deity
To have my nightmares
At least limited to my sleep
Is proving a futile plea.
The red carpet of shame
Unrolls from what lurks in my mind
Every waking moment
My terrible musings torment me.
All the lessons I should have known
Loom over me with reproach
As a reminder where fault resides:
Me, myself, and my once blind eyes.
The rose colored dust falls from vision
And the truth crushes me with the weight of the world.
A world that never bothered to make itself known
With all it's pretty blurred lines of wrong and right.
I write this as a whiny child
Playing dress up in a grown up life
Where I don't belong
And succumb to a fit of self serving tears.
I know big girls ain't supposed to cry
And strong women hande their own.
Still, my shroud of despair hangs over my head
Growing from every regret from these past few years.
I'm lost
To have my nightmares
At least limited to my sleep
Is proving a futile plea.
The red carpet of shame
Unrolls from what lurks in my mind
Every waking moment
My terrible musings torment me.
All the lessons I should have known
Loom over me with reproach
As a reminder where fault resides:
Me, myself, and my once blind eyes.
The rose colored dust falls from vision
And the truth crushes me with the weight of the world.
A world that never bothered to make itself known
With all it's pretty blurred lines of wrong and right.
I write this as a whiny child
Playing dress up in a grown up life
Where I don't belong
And succumb to a fit of self serving tears.
I know big girls ain't supposed to cry
And strong women hande their own.
Still, my shroud of despair hangs over my head
Growing from every regret from these past few years.
I'm lost
Published 12th Aug 2021
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 3
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
12th Aug 2021 12:49pm
Enjoyed & respect!
I really like the beginning--the irony is wonderful, the deadpan very effective.
The 1st stanza - very strong, deadpan is very effective; executed concisely
The 2nd stanza - I'm not sure what it does, that the 1st hasn't done better, more devastatingly; sure, you smuggle "red carpet" in, but that doesn't get used much.
The 3rd & 4th stanzas - effective where you're confronting yourself, authentic, eschewing effect;
4th stanza needs development: the image of rose-colored dust (pulverized lenses?) intrigues, but the wordiness suggests there's a bit the poet isn't dead-accurate about--I read the last 3 lines, and I think, whaddaya mean?
5th stanza - great simile, again the penchant for self-confrontation, accountability (love that!), but the poem--and this IS a poem--needs more than the most predictable from a child (tears)--
There's a lot I really admire here--the deadpan irony; the self-confrontation; the immediate hook of the opening.
If this were mine, I'd invest more of my energy into it. Thar's gold in them thar tears!
Enjoyment & Respect!
I really like the beginning--the irony is wonderful, the deadpan very effective.
The 1st stanza - very strong, deadpan is very effective; executed concisely
The 2nd stanza - I'm not sure what it does, that the 1st hasn't done better, more devastatingly; sure, you smuggle "red carpet" in, but that doesn't get used much.
The 3rd & 4th stanzas - effective where you're confronting yourself, authentic, eschewing effect;
4th stanza needs development: the image of rose-colored dust (pulverized lenses?) intrigues, but the wordiness suggests there's a bit the poet isn't dead-accurate about--I read the last 3 lines, and I think, whaddaya mean?
5th stanza - great simile, again the penchant for self-confrontation, accountability (love that!), but the poem--and this IS a poem--needs more than the most predictable from a child (tears)--
There's a lot I really admire here--the deadpan irony; the self-confrontation; the immediate hook of the opening.
If this were mine, I'd invest more of my energy into it. Thar's gold in them thar tears!
Enjoyment & Respect!
12th Aug 2021 8:17pm
Everyone is lost at some point in their lives, it how we move forward that defines us. Keep on writing.
30th Aug 2021 2:53am
