deepundergroundpoetry.com
Girl
Girl
Why let yourself get pregnant and put a hold on your life
Why not wait till your older and become a wife.
Life could be better for you if you stay in school
Listen to your parents and follow their rule.
Life could pass you by if you become a young mother
You may lose your friends to another.
Why let a guy change the future or your life
He may just leave you to go enjoy his life.
When the time comes and your baby is due.
Will that baby’s daddy be there for you.
Will he support you and your child
Will he go to another girl and child.
Being married, misses would be your proper title
Baby’s mama is what kind of title.
Being called a baby’s mama in your life
Better sounding words are a mother and a wife.
Having a husband you could have a better life
Think of your future as husband and wife.
Why let yourself get pregnant and put a hold on your life
Why not wait till your older and become a wife.
Life could be better for you if you stay in school
Listen to your parents and follow their rule.
Life could pass you by if you become a young mother
You may lose your friends to another.
Why let a guy change the future or your life
He may just leave you to go enjoy his life.
When the time comes and your baby is due.
Will that baby’s daddy be there for you.
Will he support you and your child
Will he go to another girl and child.
Being married, misses would be your proper title
Baby’s mama is what kind of title.
Being called a baby’s mama in your life
Better sounding words are a mother and a wife.
Having a husband you could have a better life
Think of your future as husband and wife.
Published 23rd Feb 2012
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Anonymous
23rd Feb 2012 1:15am
Why let yourself get pregnant and put a hold on your life
Why not wait till your older and become a wife. (you’re, not your)
When the time comes and your baby is due. (why is there a full stop here?)
Will that baby’s daddy be there for you.
Will he support you and your child (why no question mark?)
Will he go to another girl and child.
Being married, misses would be your proper title
Baby’s mama is what kind of title. (the doubling up of the word title is very weak)
Being called a baby’s mama in your life
Better sounding words are a mother and a wife.
Having a husband you could have a better life
Think of your future as husband and wife. (the two verses with the same rhymed ending sounds weak)
Ah well.....there are two sets of issues to talk about here;
The first are the mechanics of the piece, as noted above, as well as the plodding rhyme...try to give it some life by throwing a little internal rhyme in (or something). Maybe try reading someone like Wordsworth who knew how to break up a simple scheme;
Waving his hat, the shepherd, from the vale,
Directs his winding dog the cliffs to scale,--
The dog, loud barking, 'mid the glittering rocks,
Hunts, where his master points, the intercepted flocks.
The second issue is a trickier one, and I mean no offence by saying that your judgement of young women is written all through this piece. You assume it is their ‘fault’ or choice that they are pregnant, that having a man, or the label ‘wife’ will make them more fit mothers. These are very dated attitudes, and have been used for a long time in western culture to virtually enslave women. Tell me, why is the man who got her pregnant not mentioned in the poem in the same way? Where is the stigma attached to his careless act? Writing, when done well, looks at society and her unwritten prejudices, and bloody well writes them. In this piece I read an author unable to free themselves from the attitudes they have never thought to question.
In all, I think you have some work to do.
DP
Why not wait till your older and become a wife. (you’re, not your)
When the time comes and your baby is due. (why is there a full stop here?)
Will that baby’s daddy be there for you.
Will he support you and your child (why no question mark?)
Will he go to another girl and child.
Being married, misses would be your proper title
Baby’s mama is what kind of title. (the doubling up of the word title is very weak)
Being called a baby’s mama in your life
Better sounding words are a mother and a wife.
Having a husband you could have a better life
Think of your future as husband and wife. (the two verses with the same rhymed ending sounds weak)
Ah well.....there are two sets of issues to talk about here;
The first are the mechanics of the piece, as noted above, as well as the plodding rhyme...try to give it some life by throwing a little internal rhyme in (or something). Maybe try reading someone like Wordsworth who knew how to break up a simple scheme;
Waving his hat, the shepherd, from the vale,
Directs his winding dog the cliffs to scale,--
The dog, loud barking, 'mid the glittering rocks,
Hunts, where his master points, the intercepted flocks.
The second issue is a trickier one, and I mean no offence by saying that your judgement of young women is written all through this piece. You assume it is their ‘fault’ or choice that they are pregnant, that having a man, or the label ‘wife’ will make them more fit mothers. These are very dated attitudes, and have been used for a long time in western culture to virtually enslave women. Tell me, why is the man who got her pregnant not mentioned in the poem in the same way? Where is the stigma attached to his careless act? Writing, when done well, looks at society and her unwritten prejudices, and bloody well writes them. In this piece I read an author unable to free themselves from the attitudes they have never thought to question.
In all, I think you have some work to do.
DP
23rd Feb 2012 2:21pm
Thank You
I write my poems but I’m not a poet
I don’t understand poems and I know it
Here I am reading and trying to understand
This is hard for me, it’s much a demand
Most all my poems come from my heart
The poems are with love and stand apart
I post my poems for people to see
I know your comments are to help me
My past poems are fact and true
I appreciate your help and thank you
I write my poems but I’m not a poet
I don’t understand poems and I know it
Here I am reading and trying to understand
This is hard for me, it’s much a demand
Most all my poems come from my heart
The poems are with love and stand apart
I post my poems for people to see
I know your comments are to help me
My past poems are fact and true
I appreciate your help and thank you
