when beautiful things attack

these thick, heavy emotions
i can swallow back like
unwanted phlegm.

I feel it lingering at the back of my throat
    just above my chest
    above that horrible
horrible thudding
    beast,
I will not let it find these emotions
I will not let it
    rip
           me
       apart
becauseIhaveemotions.

I cannot. Swallow
swallow
don't say the words
 
      I need you to keep me sane.
I need to stay insane to not need you
   I cannot need you
   because I cannot hurt you
   I cannot want you
   because I don't want to dig
bigger holes within me.