deepundergroundpoetry.com
Something betideth thee.
Woe betideth he
who white lies
in the face of love.
His harmless acts
remain void of harm,
but they are replaced
with the shame
of being a liar.
Solitude shalt be forced
upon he who sneaks
towards it
for only a moment,
to catch his breath,
if his desire for space
is kept hidden.
Loss shall have its jaws
ready for the sickened jugular
of he who spits snakes
in to the calm fields
of love.
Just as this all came to mind
a passerby did what passerbys do
and passed by,
as she did, she turned to her partner
and said "It's strange
how we spend so long teaching
the things we need to learn most"
I almost stopped her,
she was right.
who white lies
in the face of love.
His harmless acts
remain void of harm,
but they are replaced
with the shame
of being a liar.
Solitude shalt be forced
upon he who sneaks
towards it
for only a moment,
to catch his breath,
if his desire for space
is kept hidden.
Loss shall have its jaws
ready for the sickened jugular
of he who spits snakes
in to the calm fields
of love.
Just as this all came to mind
a passerby did what passerbys do
and passed by,
as she did, she turned to her partner
and said "It's strange
how we spend so long teaching
the things we need to learn most"
I almost stopped her,
she was right.
Published 15th Feb 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Feb 2012 11:13am
get this one out of my head the last couple of days. brilliant idea with the calm, enwisened tone through the italics and the small jolt of wakefulness in the last couplet. fantastic movement in this one, Jamie.
Anonymous
24th Feb 2012 1:43pm
"Just as this all came to mind
a passerby did what passerbys do
and passed by"
That passage feels like the most lyrical to me in this poem. It has the quality and humour of a Dr. Seuss rhyme.
Moving on to the stanzas in italics, should "tells" go before "white" in L2? I also don't think you need L5 and "but" in L6; L4 already makes the point.
The syntax in stanzas two and three is a bit odd, but I like that because it makes me think more about what they're trying to convey. The transition from "sickened jugular" to "calm fields" in the third stanza is splendid.
All critique is JMHO of course. Thanks for the read.
a passerby did what passerbys do
and passed by"
That passage feels like the most lyrical to me in this poem. It has the quality and humour of a Dr. Seuss rhyme.
Moving on to the stanzas in italics, should "tells" go before "white" in L2? I also don't think you need L5 and "but" in L6; L4 already makes the point.
The syntax in stanzas two and three is a bit odd, but I like that because it makes me think more about what they're trying to convey. The transition from "sickened jugular" to "calm fields" in the third stanza is splendid.
All critique is JMHO of course. Thanks for the read.
