As I was

Once upon a time
I had my life together
I had a rough plan
But anything I thought about
I was able to do

My life wasn't the best but you know what it was on the way to being the best.
I had finally found myself in a space where being me was benefitting.

I may not have had it all but know what I had everything I needed. I had love, happiness and achievement. Hard work was actually paying off.

Yet I didn't realise that my life was starting to crack. I didn't see what was happening until it was too late.

I failed, I got my heart broken and worse of all I had to suck up my own pain because literally everything was falling apart. I had to be strong for others yet in the process I suffered without acknowledging it.

I lost my sense of self and all I had to keep me going was the need for retribution. I called it my redemption. I finally had intent with all my work. I developed a type of tunnel vision not realising how short sighted I was becoming. The failures continued to stack up and with them pieces of my confidence died out.

I was the last man standing and everyone had moved on. They were ready for the next phase of life whilst I could only become a spectator. I was left behind. As much as I was used to walking alone, this time I was unfamiliar with it.

I was start chasing the person I used to be. Yet even I knew I could never go back to being as I was. Experience is the one thing no one can take back whether it is good or bad, we will all eventually change.

The process was slow but I did start to regain my sense of self. The thing is I accepted my reality but when I regained my strength I found that it was no longer enough for the level I was in. I had moved up so I also needed to improve.

Life was still harsh to me but one thing about myself: In a fight or flight situation I always fight. Though I grow tired of it sometimes, I always find a way to get up and continue.

I hate some of the choices that I've made. They weren't evil nor destructive, in fact they make a lot of sense. However I feel as though I betrayed myself. I lost my way and in the process I let the voices of other people in. I chose safety and stopped acknowledging my own strength.

Sometimes I do wonder if this is the reason everyone left. It's as if they knew things were about to fall apart. As they say 'a drowning man take you with him'.

I only needed a break and it seems I never got one. Eventually my back was against the wall, so I had nothing to lose.

I go some movement but I am still stuck.
I've helped so many people get over though, so it's some twisted irony that I am the one who is stuck.

Yet this isn't an ode to despair
No this is really a gathering of thoughts

I've already changed so much that really thinking of myself as I was kind of makes me laugh. I've grown a bit more empathetic and though I'm still learning how to work with my emotions, I am glad that I don't rely on logic alone anymore.

I still seek a semblance of freedom. I needed the opportunity to just be. In the last few years I had my head down. My tail was between my legs. I genuinely celebrated the victories of others because I knew their paths are different from mine.

However the one thing I sure can take from how I used to be. Is the spirit to get things done. That person is still in me and though time still does bother me, I still have a lot of it.

So I am grateful for this time in which I truly have nothing to do because sometimes we get so lost in work that one might as well as call us 'human doings' instead of human beings.

I now get to start over from scratch, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I am working from a place of joy.

I feel like a novice once again and what I missed about this is how open the world feels. How there is so much to explore.

I am no longer as I was but you know what I am as I should be right now.

Today marks a new chapter for me
I am finally ready to let it all go. The pain that came with my losses, the frustration of having to wait, the helplessness that comes with being knocked down over and over again.

I am just at the point where I'm tired of being tired. I am sure this phase will all mean something one day but for now I am ready to fill up my cup again.

The world is on notice now because a storm is coming and the winds of change are starting to blow