A Deep Regret

A thousand tears I have cried and still I cannot push past your passing.
A million thoughts have crossed my mind about you and I and still you are in my head.
A bowl of tears and a bucket full of wishes that have been shed and that I have bled.
To keep your memory alive is killing me inside.
Not a day goes by when your pale face and brown eyes don’t pass through my mind.
Memories of you lying in my bed.
The movies we saw.
The things we witnessed.
The feel of your hair in my hands.
The silent promise of wedding bands.
A time cut short by a sickness handed out by gods own hands.
I left you when I was weakest.
My resolve worn down
My soul nearly broken.
My heart in pieces
As you blatantly said I had never loved you.
Nothing could have ever been farther from the truth.  
Yet I had no car and only one person to drive me there.
A simple thing as that kept me from seeing your beautiful face and holding you in my loving embrace.
I called you every night.
To hear listen to you rant.
About the nurses and their never ending chant.
Then you started speaking like I never cared.
It broke my heart to hear you say those like you actually believed them.
I felt empty inside.
When I told you that friendship was best my heart was broken.
Even then I did what was best for the love I held for you.
I was asked to give you space and begrudgingly I listened.
Why did I listen?
Why did I let you slip out of my hands when I should have fought for you?
Months later and I tried to call wondering if you even wanted to speak to me.
I never let it ring more than once.
Thinking that I would leave you to your thoughts.  
Not long after I got a text that changed my life.
It told me that you had chosen to stop fighting.
That they were going to slowly shut down your body.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
I couldn’t grasp that you were leaving this world.
Leaving behind everything you held dear.
You, like me had, given up.
Had decided that it would be better if you passed than if you stayed.
I cannot say that I am better without you.
In fact I am worse off than I have ever been.
My heart aches to see you just once more.
My eyes seek you out in every one I meet.
My soul is empty without its other half.
May you forever rest in peace.
Knowing I love you and I will see again when my time in this world ends.